Monday, July 30, 2012

In self reflective mode right now. This month has been intense. INTENSE! Not in a bad way, but a good way. Intense in such a way that I feel no pressure or any tension. So maybe the word "intense" is not the appropriate word.

So perhaps the word I am looking for is "extraordinary". This month has been extraordinary. One remarkable moment took place - I fell in love. Although there is definitely emotions involved, and goodness, some hormones, it is also an intellectual experience, and somehow there is assurance in knowing it's not entirely a heady experience, but a head experience as well.

I haven't gotten into my head for quite sometime. I haven't had time to reflect on what this means to me. I've adjusted to the aspect of "us" and that is a wonderful adventure daily unfolding, but to me, what does all of this mean to me? As a woman whose been looking for so long, and finally let go, and than immediately placed with such an amazing love, what does this mean to me? Several words come to mind, but one word sticks out: readjustment. It's not a bad word. It's a realistic word. I adjust my time because I want to catch his smiles and his laughter when I can. I adjust my daily plan and my down the road plans, because he is a part of my present as well as my future. I adjust time with family and friends, so that he is included in that time and space framework. Of course this isn't a single foot path. We're both walking this two lane passage. He is adjusting on his end as well.

So, as we meld together, we are also beginning to realize the needed healthiness of adjusting our own personal alone time as well. As I come away from us to dig my personal roots into the soil of Him and I, what am I taking from the "us" factor into His presence?

I am inspirational. I am loved. I am loving. I am beautiful. I am treasured. I am glorious. I am sensual. I am wanted. I am desired. I am explored. I am laughter. Many other words are in mind, but what I want to bring to the forefront of my thoughts is these are truths I've known of myself. These words were told to me whenever I came into my Creator's presence. The difference is that these words about me became even more real when spoken aloud to me. I've said this else where, but there is power is spoken words. I accepted these words as truth, because I trust the person who speaks them. He speaks them out of love but he also speaks them in trust realized.

So I am adjusting. I am wrapping my thoughts around the textual me in physical and metaphysical spaces. The idea of who I am is bound up in text, and so it is here that I am adjusting to the personal space of I to the united space of us. Amen.

I stood outside in the cooling breeze and felt the coolness of the drenched earth. I looked up. I saw the luminous moon and I thought of you, and knew that soon, we'd be together under that same lusciously full moon in a few days. Amen. 
Hearing his voice each day and seeing his face every night, just does not cut it! I am missing out in some serious in person snuggle&cuddle time! I see him in 3 1/2 days, and yet time seems to be inching along - inching! Nonetheless, I am very thankful I get to see him in a little over 3 days. Amen!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I know we're both grown adults, but that sense of child-like adventure, the excitement in sharing something new or something shiny, that need to walk a beach and build a series of sand castles, or skip rocks together, is an urge that pervades my thoughts. That desire to explore trails, or climb over boulders, sit down and build something with legos, is something I am so excited about doing with you! But it makes sense, we're His children after all, and I am thrilled beyond horizons to being a kid with you. Amen. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

I love you because you are who you are - a gentlemen at heart, a doer of the thoughts running through your head, a perpetual student, a laughing soul, a metaphysical finder, a true romancer, a wooer of me, a Christ-centered manly man - and even though you are not here, your essence is, and it pervades ever neurone of me, continually spiralling out into the vastness of us - you, me and He. Amen. 
I was never lacking but I was introduced to the other half of my soul, and he is delightfully exquisite. I never thought in my entire life I could connect to someone so intimately, and in the beauty of knowing him there is a sense of freedom. There is no stress, no guilt, no shame in exploring each other mentally, physically, socially and spiritually. We revel in our merging path that we once walked separately but ironically paralleled. Our interacting existence is an act of worship to our heavenly Father, a motion of continuous praise and in the wake of this concerto, humbleness realized. I cannot hide who he is to me, and daily I speak of him in short or extended speech. His thoughts towards me daily remind me of my heavenly Father's own thoughts towards me. Because my God has treasured me, I recognize when he treasures me. The other half of my soul is altogether beautiful to me. Amen.

Friday, July 20, 2012

I've never experienced this sensation of longing - where the entirety of me, my very spirit longs to reach out and be entirely enveloped by another - another's spirit who longs after the entirety of me. It's like the core of me is shifting, trying to move, trying reach up and step out of my bones. I long for him. There is this longing to know, to know in completeness. This, of course, causes me to pause and reflect on the aspect of longing found in my Creator. The only thing I can relate to in context to this aspect of longing is, well, "yada" - to know in Hebrew. To "know" as the Son knows the Father, and/or as a man knows a woman - a level of intimacy only comparable by the relationship shared by the Trinity. 

That I can feel longing after such a long absence of any emotional feeling, is quite a beautiful revelation. What will this longing change and transform into? 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I am now officially apart of the team "we", although I have already been thinking along the lines of "us" for some time now. We weren't officially bf/gf until this morning, right at midnight. Okay, I admit I was already referring to him as my boyfriend, but how else was I to cut down the time of explaining to friends and family why we weren't official yet? Everything is happening at warp speed factor, but speed seems entirely irrelevant in our situation. It's like we're in our own time bubble, and we're having a heyday of trying to explain it to people around us. I'm having a heyday with self-analysis, but ironically enough, so is he. Half the time I am laughing at the pure irony of the situation. I like to laugh, by the way, but so does he! This is all together a hilarious encounter of sorts. Amen. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

What is trust? I am having a very metaphysical moment and contemplating the aspect of trust. I explicitly trust my heavenly Father but it is something that has had to be challenged repeatedly over time. However, what is the importance of trust in any human relationship? Trust between a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, parent and child, friend and friend, etc. Why is it needed? How does it play out in the grand gesture of our lives? Can trust be faked? Why is it that it takes time to build but seconds to break? Is accountability part of trust? When we don't trust what happens to ourselves? Is something lost when we refuse to trust? Is trust a part of faith? Is it similar or even identical? Is trust a one way street? What does trust do to our humanity, to our individuality? Does God trust us? I know for sure many have difficulty trusting God.

Although I am rather lost about this idea of trust, and a bit confused, one thing I know for sure about trust broken - it is a painful experience. Anyways, away I go with my contemplation of trust.   

Monday, July 16, 2012

You profoundly move me - move my thoughts along in directions I only dreamed of and never thought possible - move me onto a plane of existence I never thought existed. I am humbly amazed that we dream the same dreams and reach for the same goals. My thoughts and ears are blessed as we shift from the language of You&I to the language of Us. I love how we laugh so much, smile so much, and wrap ourselves up in our silliness, but instantaneously break out into meta-talk to discuss the continuing development of our relationship. But most of all, I am drawn in each day by this miracle of you and i. So this is what the Trinity experiences every minute? No wonder they created us :)

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Ours is a life that is a prayer in motion. Aspects I've prayed for, actions that I have reflected on are just coming about without even a word to my heavenly Father. But than I realized, we are praying aloud in every action and word that spans between he and I. Relational revelations  are coming about as I share and speak with him, revelations of what a healthy, normal, vibrant relationship should look like. We're both meta-talkers and meta-thinkers so that helps us exponentially.

A thought that we shared this morning: the accumulation of our thoughts will translate into actions when we see each other. That thought really took a hold of some neurones. I am the result of accumulated thoughts both on the physical and metaphysical level - thoughts of my parents and thoughts of my heavenly Father. I also realize that our situation is the accumulation of His thoughts towards us. Of course, I can't help but refer to Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the thoughts I have towards you...thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me will all your heart. I will be found by you...and I will bring you back from your captivity.

Our seeking after Him has resulted in His accumulated thoughts breaking forth in actions towards us. I continue to seek Him with all of my heart, because I want, we want a sure foundation as to this particular path we traverse. What a fascinating thought! Amen. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

It amazes me with what ease we fit into the grooves of each other's mind, and walk paralleling lines of thought. There is no comparison to him in all those around me. I am blessed daily with opening my eyes and mind to his presence, his laughter, his reflective thought and his spiritual connection. I am assured daily of my trust in him as he strives to protectively treasure my worth, my thoughts, my laughter, and my sharing of self with him. It's been a short time, but what is time, when the bones of my being have known him forever? I leave he and I in our Father's care. Amen. 
Words and ideas that fascinate me: space, bones, silence, words, narrative, identity and femininity. I seem to repeatedly come back to these themes in my life, in particular over the last two years. Yes, I am keeping a meta cognitive tab on myself, yes, hilarious. Amen. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Inspiration hits at the most random moments and in the most random places. For me it's either washing dishes, sitting in a bath, or filing folders in a vault. Yes, random. Many things hit me during those times - blog posting ideas, poems, a conversation starter or finisher with my Father. 

One thought hit me tonight, as I sit on my bed (I know, a new random place) - emotional highs. These intrigue me. Emotional highs are from my younger years (*snort* and yes I am not that old, really, truly), from the times I would have ups and downs in the spiritual or relational areas. In my organic journals, I would find a plethora of periods of great frustration of having come down from an emotional high. Don't get me wrong, emotions are good, but I now realize the value of moderation, or accepting emotional highs in of themselves and appreciating them for the moment they represent and move on. I remember a period in my life when I was involved in so many predating scenes ("many" in my mind), that I was emotionally absent. I could easily say adieu, pack up and go. When I realized the absent emotional state of myself, it was time to take a break. 

That was when I took on the mantle of singleness. I knew I didn't know Jesus that well. I remember in my 29th year swearing off men and diving into the relational space of my Trinity. He broke me but healed me in turn, struck me down but bound me up. In the space of this "almost" two years, I've been mentally, spiritually, physically, and socially prodded and poked, broken and bent, hard-pressed and harried, kneaded and knotted, twisted, twirled, tied up and taken down, but returned faithfully to His presence to be put back together by His hands. I have in my own relational space with myself too much of His peace to doubt what He can do in me and for me. I have heard His voice countlessly to know He is Here. I know exactly what He thinks of me. 

I am beginning to tread a new path, a new narrative with another voice that is similar in stance but definitely not my own. I am curious to hear his back story, but also curious to see where our dialogue will go. And of course, I am most curious of how the Narrator will write this particular tale of ours. Amen. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I thought this blog post so beautifully wonderful, and well, something I myself am going through :)
Now I remember why I embraced "no expectations"...I would always show up and no one would be there. This is only too poignant as I wait for people to get back to me about this practice. Out of 5 people and only 1 gets back to me. Jesus, thank You for being my calm. Amen!
The last 24 hours have been a mashup of emotional thoughts. I haven't felt this emotion of "worry" in a long time. I guess it comes about with not knowing. All past relationships (the official and the predating phase) have been from relatively "normal" (right, so when is anything normal in this life time?) to down right freaky. Throw in there family reactions to those relationships and one would understand the word "worry".

So, as I was filing this morning, listening to spiritually thought provoking music, His words came to me: "...for a tree is known by its fruit" (Matthew 12:33), and than He said, "haven't I protected you in each situation? Haven't I walked through with you each time?" Yes, Beloved, You have walked with me in each situation, and yes, I came to know the character of each guy by how he treated (the fruit) me, and how he treated himself. 

I am trusting Him in this situation, waiting to see how He will reveal His thoughts (Jer.29:11) towards me concerning this person. Amen. 

Monday, July 9, 2012

So I was told I have a theme of "no expectations" in my life, and of course, that causes me to reflect on where that actually came from. When I internally reflect I realize it's been happening all of my life - expectations from and of friends, family, classmates, and yes, etc. I guess there was a point that I became tired of being disappointed. I was tired of letting that disappointment of getting in the way of living life. Somehow, I think I've been cultivating a positive attitude all my life (and yes, I do not get that half-empty half-full analogy), and having expectations got in the way of that positiveness. It's a thought I will continue to contemplate. Amen. 
What I say in the yesterdays is not necessarily what I think today. I am perpetually growing. However, I do realize there are tangible truths that I do continue to hold fast to despite thoughts or words spoken. One thing that will never change is the love of my Beloved towards me. I praise and bless Him for this, for I will continue to grow, strongly rooting my way into the very nooks and crannies of His being. To me this is absolutely beauty, absolute peace and security. I am His seed and He is my soil. Amen!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

There are no words to describe what is going on internally as I sit here on my way home away from him. I miss him terribly. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. I miss his smile, his laugh, his random or purposed words to me, his thoughts about the complexities and simplicities of life, holding his hand and his presence. I miss him. I never thought I'd miss someone like this, but missing him isn't so bad knowing that he misses me the same way and  for the same reasons. As we parted ways this morning we gave each other a tangible something of our thoughts towards each other. Me, a note, and he, *laugh* his bow tie. He promised that he'd come back for it. He basically gave me a piece of himself to me, a piece of his essence. I get the connection, but I won't share, because that connection is just for me just from him. As we parted he said, "this is going to be an interesting adventure!" Amen. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Another thing to learn while being together is learning to let go. This is difficult. It's a mentality of giving over to my Beloved each day the unknown of him, the one I am with, to know I will not fully know him as my Beloved knows him. But I think the key to this adventure is embracing the moment of the day - listening with a true ear to his words, letting go of expectations, embracing all joy and pain that may come from those true words, being excited about journeying with this new companion, and delighting in the discoveries we find together. I guess I am trying to have this mentality as I begin this adventure with someone who is ironically, like me. Amen. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I want it to be different this time around. I don't want any hoopla. I don't want any immaturity. I want lots of laughter and honesty. I want a little flirting. I want lots of face time. I want us to be us to each other's hearts. I want a best friend. I want to be excited with him on whatever quest we partake in. I want to pray with him. I want to see the little boy in him. I want him to see the little girl in me. I want to share Jesus with him in my own way and I want him to share Jesus with me in his own way. I want to be wooed. I want to love him as I have been loved by my Beloved. I want to know his every flaw and yet still love and respect him. Jesus, unless you build this relationship, we build in vain and unless You guard this relationship, we continue on in vain (Psalms 127:1). Amen. 
I call it the new adventure, and I am praying that though it be new, it will be an adventure of a life time, an adventure I will take part of each day. I'm not thinking ahead to months and years, not even to weeks, but to the here and now. I've lived too much in the "down the road" moments, and not enough of the "here and now" clips of time. As I am beginning to learn, having no expectations is always a good thing. Expectations are tied up in the tomorrows, but no expectations is all about living in the present minute. I was looking for a good time, and instead I found a treasure-trove of possibilities. It's always intriguing how my Beloved moves - in most mysterious ways. Amen.