Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My brother just started dating this girl. I am quite happy for him because he is so excited to be with someone who get's him - his humour, his intellect, his point of views, his self. I am excited that he is excited, and it's been quite enjoyable to watch the relationship blossom in such a short time. I find myself relating all the time.

So I am rather intrigued that I find myself jealous. I was actually rather unsettled by the emotion. In the entirely of my thought existence, I do not recall being jealous, so it would come as no surprise that I had to poke and prod at this sproat and discover the root of its growth. And what I discovered at the root was a rather gargantuan boulder. I am jealous of the approval my mom gives the relationship. I've been watching her complete apprehension about the sudden relationship. Watched her react, but also watched my brother be quite open about his intentions towards this girl. I, on the other hand, have had to be guarded. I haven't shared much, because in the past my openness has burned me. But I do have to ask my self, why this urge towards approval?

It's a vicious cycle. What I am going through, my mother when through with her mother. There was a seeking of approval and a use of that seeking to manipulate the mother/daughter relationship. The question I find myself asking is, how can this cycle end with the next generation? I want to find the balance in raising my own children.

There's only one place to bring the question, and only one place where I know I will receive an answer. I'm going to take it to Him tonight, sit down and talk to Him about this whole mess. Amen

Monday, October 29, 2012

I think the most amazing thing of an amazing relationship is being continuously amazed by the continuous free fall of falling in love, being in love with one truly amazing man : )

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I haven't really written much about my immediate family because they haven't really conflicted with my state of being for quite sometime. They are a brood of extremes, a characteristic that I am trying to deal with by recognizing rather than hiding it away in some closet. But it's bred in my bones. My entire life style is based on extremes. How I go about overcoming habits, is based in extremes. I don't know how to moderate. I honestly don't know if this is something that is nurture-bred or nature-bred. My mental, physical, spiritual and social health is one big pendulum swing.

My week has been stressful. The use of my time is currently being weighed and measured and I am coming up short of breath. This week is all about reassessing my "everything" health, and most of all getting me some serious Jesus to help me sort all of this out. He's helped me in the past and He's already there in the future, and I just need to rewrap my brain around Him in the here and now. BLAH! ...Amen. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Once upon a time I thought for myself. The calumniation of my thoughts were for my well being, the pursuit of my happiness, the self consolation of my pain, my discomfort, my disappointments. But now I have grown up, I no longer see half of the mirror. There is now someone right beside me, someone who is a part of me, yet not a part of me. Someone I think about, worry about, wish for, hope for, and really pray for. Someone who unintentionally vexes me and a someone who causes me to pause and reflect on the true root of that vexation.  I feel like we're stepping out of the "honeymoon" stage as some would call it, and stepping into something far more profound. I feel as though something is being lost, yet, something else is being found. I feel like we are gathering up threads, spooling together yarn, to weave, to sew a trailing blanket that will encapsulate us and our children. Will it be woven, will it be quilted? I don't know. In this moment, I feel an urge to pray, and to continue praying till breath leaves my body, and life leave my bones. Pray for me, pray for him...pray for us. Amen

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Relational transitioning always provides good analytical fodder. Everybody goes through the transition but it is an experience that can only be understood once one has traversed the path. It's a rite of passage. Those on the other side of the relational fence always say, "When, when, when..." and, of course, it doesn't make sense until the "when" does happen. As the relationship goes forward, moves into the next phase, the two brains involved also have to realign their thinking. Most times they don't think about their "thinking".

My copious thoughts have given me no rest, and I find myself with emotions I haven't felt since I was a teenager/early twentier. The twin-headed gorgon, Doubt and Insecurity have been shaking their snaky locks at me the last couple of days, a demon I thought had been beheaded years ago. Apparently they were holed up in some dusty closet in the inner castle. Their appearance goes to show that the abyss within has had the illusion of being holed up.

I find these emotions childish, but than I take another look at myself and realize I am a Child. All the theory about relationships that I have been packing into my head over the last year or so is now floating to the top of the inner pool. I am finding myself talking me through some mental mind fields as I console and cajole the two inner selves into new thinking patterns. We've gone from theory to practical. In the midst of the transitioning, I just hope no one hears me talking to my selves :P Amen.