Truly, at times it is not about the destination, but about the journey. This week, my Beloved challenged me to not interact with this guy, but just praise into the silence He had created for me, and to keep giving this guy situation into His Most Mighty Hands. As a woman who realizes it's part of her fallen nature to talk, to gab, to have that need of information at her finger tips as a form of control, silence is what my Beloved Jesus ordained for me this week. In all of this, He loved me most tenderly, most consistently, and most vocally. This entire week as I kept coming to Him about this guy, He kept coming to me about His thoughts towards me. Is it no coincidence that I am falling in Love? Each time I kept challenging Him with this situation, kept bringing into His presence in my open hands this guy, my feelings, these thoughts, His own thoughts towards me, He strongly repeated His love for me in a plethora of ways and words.

So as I sat at the base of a waterfall this evening, looking up at the sun sliding behind lip of the river above, feel the spray of the waterfall, and just reflect on my feelings about this guy, He, of course, told me that He's just as crazy for me, and what I feel, He feels a thousand times over. And in that moment, I realized that each time He breathes, I breathe. He inhales and exhales, and I inhale and exhale.

I came to the end of this week, trusting in my Beloved Jesus and His handling of the heart He's transplanted in me. It's His heart that pumps throughout my entire system His Life. I came home at peace with the rhythm He's placed me in. I came home and opened my laptop and found an email from this guy. And as silly as it may sound, I literally fell on the floor and worshipped my God, my Savior, my Lover, who at the end of the week, gave me His answer.

I haven't opened the email yet. It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Amen. 

I think I am starting to think along the lines of fellow blogger, The Ruthless Monk, when listening to the lyrical  part of the Christian pop culture, I unintentionally switch to analytical mode. Ever so often the English Lit/Library switch just goes off. On my drive to work this morning, I was tuned into the local Christian vibe, listening in particular to the song by Royal Tailor "Hold me together" and couldn't help but disagree with the lyrics. Maybe I've come a long way in my walk with Jesus lately, but the main idea behind the words, Can you hold me together, Can your love reach down this far, Can you hold me together, Cause without you holding my heart, I'm falling apart, falling apart" just doesn't cut it for me any more.

Hasn't this guy ever read Ezekial 36:26,27? I'm not promised a patchwork heart but a new heart! And yes, I have to ask for that new heart everyday, to fully realize it is truly mine. But the thing is, it's not even my heart - I am promised the heart of my Beloved Jesus. I get His heart, and His heart is definitely not falling apart. But I realize that not everyone is at that point of asking for His heart on a daily basis. There was a time that I did ask that He patchwork my heart, and I was satisfied with the quilt work, and I'd be on my way. However, to ask for a new heart, His heart requires intimacy, and in turn a willing spirit to allow Him to be the Potter and really smooth out those lumps and bumps in our clay-like spirit.

I've come to that place where dear ol' Fanny was when she penned the words, Take the world and give me Jesus, all its joys are but a name, but His love abideth ever, Through eternal years the same. "Through eternal years the same" - before time was marked, I was in the heart of My Beloved Jesus. In a sense, I've stopped falling, I've stopped breaking, and now I am just living and breathing in the heart of my Eternal Lover. Amen! 

Claimed Isaiah 64:4,5 this morning and continuing to affirm throughout the day:

For since the beginning of the world Men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, Nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. You meet him who rejoices and does righteousness,Who remembers You in Your ways....

These verses I keep coming back to as I wait patiently for my Beloved to move for me with concerns to this current guy situation. I have never been so strongly impressed to wait, pray and praise, in particular, to praise. My sense of helplessness in this situation is so evident to me, but not hopeless, that's for sure. I am to remember my Beloved's ways, and know He is moving the wheelwork in the cosmos for me in this situation. Though I may not be able to see, taste, touch, or feel those wheelworks, I know He's put them in motion.Amen. 

This afternoon, I was asked - who do you stand for, yourself or others? After a particularly deep conversation with a coworker this morning, I am left wondering - why am I in the positions that I am? Why am I working in the particular place that I am working at, and why am I living where I am, and why do I know the particular people that I know? And it hit me - I have been placed here. I have been given this assignment, this spiritual posting, and it's not just to affect the people around me, to get on my knees and lift them up into Your Divine presence, but it is also to change me.

My mission is here in this present, where I am called to wade through paper work, cut through legality, speak to the hearts of the people who work in this concrete jungle. And speaking to these hearts, I am Spoken To. I realized I am called to this when this morning, I heard the yearning of my coworker's voice to know You, but not knowing that it is You he desires. Beloved, thank you for taking my hand and walking this land. Amen.  

My God truly moves in mysterious ways! Last week, I sent up a prayer request about a particular trip this fall, and needed circumstances for this trip to happen in a particular way. Well, He answered on Saturday, but it wasn't until today as I was praying and reflecting that I realized that the prayer was answered. It's kind of funny. I wasn't looking for an answer to my prayer, or I should say, I didn't have expectations. I had no idea how He would answer, and I even told Him I would have no expectations. But I knew somehow, some way, He'd provide a way.

That's the intriguing part about "no expectations" - one is pleasantly surprised, amused or even intrigued by how He moves when He does. I think that'll be my new motto for this entire guy situation - expect nothing! Amen!

I know You're here, Beloved, but sometimes, I forget what it means to embrace the ache that is within this heart and soul. I've forgotten that I cannot deny it, hide from it or ignore it. This ache is a permanent fixture of my shell on this side of heaven and it stems from wanting a pursuing awareness of Your presence in my life to wanting to be with the other side of me - the side I definitely don't understand and am definitely perplexed by.

Beloved, I've never asked You what I should do concerning my other side. Should I sit and wait? Should I pray and wait? Should I move and pray? What is Your heart's desire in this matter? Amen. 

One aspect of being His Child is being helpless. Helplessness is defined as unable to defend oneself or to act without help. One aspect of realizing I am broken is knowing I am helpless. At times I feel like a soul drifting out into space, but in reality I am quite anchored to my Beloved's soul - I just don't feel it at times, but I know I am anchored to Him. For you see, I am engraved on the palms of His hands and daily I know as He raises His hands to intercede for me, our Father can see my name on my Beloved's uplifted hands. Every time, my sweet Jesus looks at His hands, He sees me - all of me. He sees the depth of my soul, the breadth of my character, the temporariness of this body - all of me is seen in the cut and healed grooves on His hands. Amen.