My brother just started dating this girl. I am quite happy for him because he is so excited to be with someone who get's him - his humour, his intellect, his point of views, his self. I am excited that he is excited, and it's been quite enjoyable to watch the relationship blossom in such a short time. I find myself relating all the time.

So I am rather intrigued that I find myself jealous. I was actually rather unsettled by the emotion. In the entirely of my thought existence, I do not recall being jealous, so it would come as no surprise that I had to poke and prod at this sproat and discover the root of its growth. And what I discovered at the root was a rather gargantuan boulder. I am jealous of the approval my mom gives the relationship. I've been watching her complete apprehension about the sudden relationship. Watched her react, but also watched my brother be quite open about his intentions towards this girl. I, on the other hand, have had to be guarded. I haven't shared much, because in the past my openness has burned me. But I do have to ask my self, why this urge towards approval?

It's a vicious cycle. What I am going through, my mother when through with her mother. There was a seeking of approval and a use of that seeking to manipulate the mother/daughter relationship. The question I find myself asking is, how can this cycle end with the next generation? I want to find the balance in raising my own children.

There's only one place to bring the question, and only one place where I know I will receive an answer. I'm going to take it to Him tonight, sit down and talk to Him about this whole mess. Amen