The last 24 hours have been a mashup of emotional thoughts. I haven't felt this emotion of "worry" in a long time. I guess it comes about with not knowing. All past relationships (the official and the predating phase) have been from relatively "normal" (right, so when is anything normal in this life time?) to down right freaky. Throw in there family reactions to those relationships and one would understand the word "worry".

So, as I was filing this morning, listening to spiritually thought provoking music, His words came to me: "...for a tree is known by its fruit" (Matthew 12:33), and than He said, "haven't I protected you in each situation? Haven't I walked through with you each time?" Yes, Beloved, You have walked with me in each situation, and yes, I came to know the character of each guy by how he treated (the fruit) me, and how he treated himself. 

I am trusting Him in this situation, waiting to see how He will reveal His thoughts (Jer.29:11) towards me concerning this person. Amen. 

So I was told I have a theme of "no expectations" in my life, and of course, that causes me to reflect on where that actually came from. When I internally reflect I realize it's been happening all of my life - expectations from and of friends, family, classmates, and yes, etc. I guess there was a point that I became tired of being disappointed. I was tired of letting that disappointment of getting in the way of living life. Somehow, I think I've been cultivating a positive attitude all my life (and yes, I do not get that half-empty half-full analogy), and having expectations got in the way of that positiveness. It's a thought I will continue to contemplate. Amen. 

What I say in the yesterdays is not necessarily what I think today. I am perpetually growing. However, I do realize there are tangible truths that I do continue to hold fast to despite thoughts or words spoken. One thing that will never change is the love of my Beloved towards me. I praise and bless Him for this, for I will continue to grow, strongly rooting my way into the very nooks and crannies of His being. To me this is absolutely beauty, absolute peace and security. I am His seed and He is my soil. Amen!

There are no words to describe what is going on internally as I sit here on my way home away from him. I miss him terribly. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. I miss his smile, his laugh, his random or purposed words to me, his thoughts about the complexities and simplicities of life, holding his hand and his presence. I miss him. I never thought I'd miss someone like this, but missing him isn't so bad knowing that he misses me the same way and  for the same reasons. As we parted ways this morning we gave each other a tangible something of our thoughts towards each other. Me, a note, and he, *laugh* his bow tie. He promised that he'd come back for it. He basically gave me a piece of himself to me, a piece of his essence. I get the connection, but I won't share, because that connection is just for me just from him. As we parted he said, "this is going to be an interesting adventure!" Amen. 

Another thing to learn while being together is learning to let go. This is difficult. It's a mentality of giving over to my Beloved each day the unknown of him, the one I am with, to know I will not fully know him as my Beloved knows him. But I think the key to this adventure is embracing the moment of the day - listening with a true ear to his words, letting go of expectations, embracing all joy and pain that may come from those true words, being excited about journeying with this new companion, and delighting in the discoveries we find together. I guess I am trying to have this mentality as I begin this adventure with someone who is ironically, like me. Amen. 

I want it to be different this time around. I don't want any hoopla. I don't want any immaturity. I want lots of laughter and honesty. I want a little flirting. I want lots of face time. I want us to be us to each other's hearts. I want a best friend. I want to be excited with him on whatever quest we partake in. I want to pray with him. I want to see the little boy in him. I want him to see the little girl in me. I want to share Jesus with him in my own way and I want him to share Jesus with me in his own way. I want to be wooed. I want to love him as I have been loved by my Beloved. I want to know his every flaw and yet still love and respect him. Jesus, unless you build this relationship, we build in vain and unless You guard this relationship, we continue on in vain (Psalms 127:1). Amen. 

I call it the new adventure, and I am praying that though it be new, it will be an adventure of a life time, an adventure I will take part of each day. I'm not thinking ahead to months and years, not even to weeks, but to the here and now. I've lived too much in the "down the road" moments, and not enough of the "here and now" clips of time. As I am beginning to learn, having no expectations is always a good thing. Expectations are tied up in the tomorrows, but no expectations is all about living in the present minute. I was looking for a good time, and instead I found a treasure-trove of possibilities. It's always intriguing how my Beloved moves - in most mysterious ways. Amen.