Anger is a good emotion if positively executed. Be angry and change the world, be angry and make the right choices, be angry and look at the stem of that anger. But often times, anger is a by-product of hurt, and so spirals out and hurts the world. I am angry at the moment, but I am perfectly fine with that anger, because it has caused me to wake up, delve in and look at myself. I am starting to look at the choices I have made in the last four months. It takes me a while to adjust to new ideas or situations, but Jesus is always the catalyst to begin the adjustment. In the process of dating the man of my dreams, I have fallen into some not-so-great-habits (courtesy of myself). I've been questing for a reason for those habits, and in my angered state, I have come to a root of the habits. I am still angry, but I now know what to do.  Thank You Jesus! Amen. 

I've been digging around my creativity in the last few days. I was looking at amping up my fantasy writing, and was beginning to do the research, however, during devotion time tonight, a thought hit me (curtesy of the Holy Spirit) - write stories that matter, write stories that are true, write stories that can change the heart and the only stories that I can think of are stories that come out of prayer.

If Jesus is the Author of my life, and the lives of those around me, why not write stories of victory, stories of contemplation, stories that aren't just following my narrative, but the voices of those around me. Those are the kind of stories that matter in this life. I remember the stories that I loved the most as a child were stories of missionaries as they traversed far off lands and wrote amazing and strange tales. I need to start researching those kinds of stories from the here and now.

Anyways, I am contemplating creating another blog just for those kinds of stories. Amen. 

I now know, without a doubt, the true path of de-stressing. A cup of delectable tea, soft chinese music, and my blog. It is as if the inner pool of my soul are stilled, and the music, tea, and writing are a drop of inspiration that singularly drip and drop and ripple the pool to the edges of my soul. So incredibly relaxing. It puts my entire mind at ease, which in turn ripples out to the rest of my body. This space that is created is welcoming to the Holy Spirit. I need to tap into my writing and immerse myself into that pool once again. I begin now, and I will pick up in the morning. Amen. 

I am struggling. I'm struggling with spending time with Him. I'm struggling from switching mental gears into the next stage of our relationship. I am struggling with consistency. Consistency is perhaps the biggest struggle :P Jesus, I know You keep saying that You take me as I am, I am grateful. Jesus, I know You keep telling to me to be joyful and to praise, I praise You for being here with me in this moment. Amen. 

My mom always amazes me. She is always pushing us to not make the same mistakes as she did in her younger years, but I wish she had a better way of getting that across. Her wisdom is deep, but we're always pushing her on every one of her points. It's only after much stress on everybody's part that we realize, yes, mom is right. But why in the world does it have to get to that? I know I have my part to blame, but where does all of this pushing come back from? It's a cycle. Mom tells me how her mother pushed her to do things, and she fought back and made her own mistakes, but that fighting back still occurs in the next generation (me). How can this cycle be broken? This is so ridiculous!

My brother just started dating this girl. I am quite happy for him because he is so excited to be with someone who get's him - his humour, his intellect, his point of views, his self. I am excited that he is excited, and it's been quite enjoyable to watch the relationship blossom in such a short time. I find myself relating all the time.

So I am rather intrigued that I find myself jealous. I was actually rather unsettled by the emotion. In the entirely of my thought existence, I do not recall being jealous, so it would come as no surprise that I had to poke and prod at this sproat and discover the root of its growth. And what I discovered at the root was a rather gargantuan boulder. I am jealous of the approval my mom gives the relationship. I've been watching her complete apprehension about the sudden relationship. Watched her react, but also watched my brother be quite open about his intentions towards this girl. I, on the other hand, have had to be guarded. I haven't shared much, because in the past my openness has burned me. But I do have to ask my self, why this urge towards approval?

It's a vicious cycle. What I am going through, my mother when through with her mother. There was a seeking of approval and a use of that seeking to manipulate the mother/daughter relationship. The question I find myself asking is, how can this cycle end with the next generation? I want to find the balance in raising my own children.

There's only one place to bring the question, and only one place where I know I will receive an answer. I'm going to take it to Him tonight, sit down and talk to Him about this whole mess. Amen

I think the most amazing thing of an amazing relationship is being continuously amazed by the continuous free fall of falling in love, being in love with one truly amazing man : )