keeping sane

I am struggling with just about with every aspect of my life right now. I don't like this feeling of purposelessness. But I know that really, I am being pushed out of my comfort zone. Even though I've done a lot in the 5 years of my professional life, I've gotten into some grooves. It's now getting back into the mentality of embracing the new, the adventure, the undiscovered. So today, I am going to set down the first stepping stones to a new path - read a poem, write a book's paragraph, listen to music, absorb some sun, walk to the library, learn some javascript.

i will declare the decree: the lord has said to me, you are my son, today i have begotten you. ask of me and i will give you the nations for your inheritance, and the ends of the earth for your posessions - psalms 1:7-8

It's a grand ol' adventure, right?

Pictures are deceiving. Pictures can be interrupted any way.  The other day, I updated my fb profile and cover pics - I do it because, hey, I like some creative flexibility in my personal branding - and I had many people say that I looked quite happy. Happy more than the normal? I guess....maybe? But the whole happiness factor, I don't buy it. Happiness is a choice, a habit if you will, at least for me. I am more concerned with the fact if I am content, and that comes from being productive.

Moving down here has been a significant mind process. I'm not working, and that's been a mental jigsaw puzzle. I do have quite a bit of free time, and I do have some personal projects that I prepped for this time, and I do get at them, but....I realize I need a significant challenge to propel me forward. So I am learning JavaScript right now. I have no idea where it will get me, but the goal is to get a good working knowledge of the coding.

Each day, I have to tell myself, this is outside the norm, you're really outside your comfort zone - you are in a grand ol' adventure. I am in a time and place for memory making, because I know the only time I will truly enjoy it is when I look back and realize the treasure I already had in front of me and not up the road.

fear and the individual voice

I moved to the US a few weeks ago. Everyday life here is pretty status quo or at least has the appearance of being so. Just about everyone back home is highly concerned about where politics is going down here, especially in context to the presidential candidates. The two that stand out really represent the spectrum, and one side of the spectrum is freaking people out.

Now, I don't mean to be indifferent, but nothing is new under the sun. There will always be level of good and bad government, and "good" and "bad" can be defined anyway. If anything we are blessed to know what the populace is thinking in general due to technologies ability to allow the individual voice to be heard.

But I am reminded of this entire situation as I was reading Luke 13: 1-5 this morning. Some people were talking to Jesus about the political situation that was going on between the Jews and the Romans, and Jesus at the end underlined the main point of the situation, everyone dies, everyone is a sinner, no person is greater or lesser due to their dying circumstances. I don't want to be indifferent, but at the end of the day, what really counts?

Practice makes perfect

I am here in this space writing again, because I need practice with writing in general. I am writing because it'll show that I've accomplished something this morning. My writing output use to be significant. I journaled most of my thoughts via paper and pen, but I haven't put any serious thought into the process for quite sometime. Practice makes perfect, right?

And speaking of practice, I am needing to practice many things other than writing.  I need to practice more of my art, more of contemplation, more of mindfulness. I am contemplating a career change....going from information management into the computer coding, and at the moment, needing to practice javascripting. I haven't done any serious coding for 5 years and I am a bit rusty. It's a little intimidating, but at the same time, I am curious as to know if I can do this or not. Can I pull it off?

Another thing I need to practice is mindful prayer. I haven't been mindful/purposeful about many a good thing in a long time.

What's really important

At its root, Christianity is about two things - Love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. Loving God with all the heart is a matter of daily refreshing the love supply so we can love our neighbors more accurately. As in the words of Jesus, on these two commands hangs the law and the prophets (Matthew 22:40). Now, the process of following those two commands is where matters get complicated. It's complicated because, at heart, ourselves are messy beings. At our root, we're forgetful, we're selfish and most times we don't like to admit either faults. Humility is a key factor in laying aside our messiness, and humility is a habit that has to be learned like all other good habits. So, in observing the two commands, we need to be mindful in acting them out.

I speak about this initially, because I have to constantly remind myself, that Christianity, at the heart of it, is a relationship with Christ. It's about being Christ-like. It's about reflecting His Character in our lives. We're bottom dwellers trying to shine out of our little stone lantern hearts, the Sun of the universe, and sometimes life, ourselves, the world around us, tries to get in the way of that action.

As I've plugged more so into social media (due to personal projects...writing and drawing pages), I am coming across so many variations of what Christianity is within and without the circle. But the information that causes me to question my Christ-likeness is when close friends post articles that cause me to pause (articles in question, here and here). Much of what I am reading is based on the corporate worship experience or doctrine. My disagreement with everything I've come across online so far has been based on my own personal Christ-walk.

I realize everyone is on their own Christ-journey, and my part in the matter is about listening to their story and if the opportunity arises, I will share my own. But I am realizing I've been listening to a lot of people's stories, and it's been a while since I've taken account of my roots and where I am going personally with Him. It's good to get back to the basics, what's really important.

Journeys are meant to change you

I reflect on my prayer journey today in light of having read What is Prayer Suppose to Accomplish. It identifies and reviews the current and past corporate Christian view of prayer.

I grew up having a regular devotional life, but struggled with my prayer journey. Prayer was methodical. I had been taught to pray a certain way, and I struggled with how disconnected my prayers were. Around my early 30s these two switched. I learned how to pray, learned what prayer meant, and saw enough evidence in my own life that I could not walk away from prayer, even if I could try.

I had experienced an exceptionally profound prayer moment that took a year and a half to happen. That prayer was more than an answer to a question I had been asking of God, but it was also a major revelation as to my communication lines to Him. After that time, I've had smaller but just as profound prayer moments; moments rooted in the reality of my life, prayer that was practical. Often it was and is a mashup of purposeful prayer and sometimes a heart's cry for help. 

A few things I learned about prayer are: it is a line of communication, it is intimate, and it involves a Higher Someone. Prayer isn't just based on my own voice and thoughts, but prayer is also based on His Voice and His Thoughts. I think people struggle with prayer in the Christian world because they aren't shown the voice of God through the Word. I learned the importance of finding God/Jesus' voice in scripture and allow these Thoughts to guide and direct my prayer time.
 
Sometimes the prayer was in the form of journaling, or in the form of a out-loud conversation, but the prayer made me stop and reflect on Someone else other than myself. As I look at mainstream society, I also recognize that prayer is a form of meditation. It causes an individual to be meta-cognitive of their thought processes. Prayer is a way of stepping out of one's own thought process' and reflecting inward and outward. Having a purpose to that reflection (in my case, God/Jesus), makes prayer not only meditative, but also relational.

I struggled with praying, but I knew there was more to it than what I was experience, and I constantly sought a better way of understanding prayer. Much of this seeking comes from Luke 11:9 - So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. One thing I know of in this walk with Christ, if there is constant seeking and a willingness to see where He leads, answers will be had, but mostly it's about the journey.

In the last three years, I've learned about the importance of being earnest - earnest about my relationships, my hobbies, my spirituality and my health. All of these areas of have gone through some form of evolution, though at times, I feel, a devolution.

I struggle with myself in regard to these areas. I kept berating myself over my inaction. Yet, at the same time, I spent a lot of time on professional development and cultivating and maintaining the long distance relationship with my bf. And as I write this, it now makes sense. Here I was bemoaning the slow death of my poetry, my writing, my art, my spiritual life and I just realized, I was focused on other areas of development.

So where does this leave me now?

After a four years absence from the art scene, I finally dove back in with a little push and motivation from a friend. I completed some drawings, sold a few pieces and took on some commissions. I made a commitment to do some art professional development (attended an art workshop in Calgary in September) to keep me regularly inspired and to meet other fellow artists in person.

At first, I thought I wanted to pursue art as a career. I researched the possibility of going back to school, I looked at the cost, and after attending the art workshop and talking to other artists, I realized I just need to stay the course. I don't need a degree, I just need to take advantage of the internet to learn. So I've follow a few art facebook pages and keep updated and active through these outlets.

As for writing, I made a goal to do a NaNoWriMo (National November Writing Month) and have been intensely focusing on research and familiarization of the writing process. Also, I am pushing myself to come back to this space to explore my spiritual explorations.

So why the drive, the push to come back to these creative areas? At the end of the day, it's not just about my personal development, but it's also a thought of the legacy I will present to my children. What kind of well-roundedness will they see as they get older?

So, here I am. Where will I go? What will I see with this return.