August 31 is my deadline with my Beloved. It's almost exactly 3 months away. My sister also has a deadline: June 28th. Amidst these prayer deadlines where we are asking for His answer in very specific ways, we take comfort in the fact that He says, have faith as small as a mustard seed. We are wanting to grow that mustard seed.

So, deadlines. To focus my mind in prayer, in resting in His assurances I am going the next step: fasting. I will abstain from meat, sugar, and eating late at night, and will drink more water, and walk more each day. This is rather small compared to what my Beloved did when He was on earth during His ministry. The Spirit calls me to a particular committment in questing our specific prayer requests.

I am so EXCITED to what He will reveal when this time has come.  

My Beloved asks me to abandon the self completely so that He may dwell within. This is a topic I am seriously studying in my personal time with Him but as well as trying to see how it impacts the rest of my day. How can He dwell within throughout the day? The greatest challenge that I find to this desire is the world's obession, perhaps even desperate drive to push upon every individual the need for self-glorification. We live in a generation where technology is named iPhone, iPod, iPad, etc. Other's have picked up on it and are now dubbing everything to the "i". I want to die to self daily. I want to slay it, shove it out the room, get rid of it through whatever manner. My identiy will no longer be me, but Him. My Beloved must have everything of me. I want Him front and center, Holder of my thoughts, Mover of my members. This is His sanctuary, but this santuary needs some SERIOUS cleaning. And not just a once or twice cleaning - a daily cleaning, an hourly cleaning. We have to keep cleaning out the corners, sweeping away that black silk, wiping down the dust. It needs to be spotless, and I know I can't do it. I desire for it to be done, but I know I can't do it. Only by dying to self, losing my identity can He, my Beloved move right in. It's the only way, because He is the Way.

Today, I climbed a hill and at the top, I lay down, took off my jacket, took off my shoes, and took off my socks. I absorbed some sun, caught some breeze and toed some grass. It was glorious and I am sure I would have stayed longer but the day called and I answered. 

I am at ACTS for Christ this weekend, and even now, only after a day, Jesus has been challenging and changing how I see life. It's like those old truths. You know them, but they become new all over again when Jesus has His hand in the matter. He brings new life, energy, vitality to those truths. They are reborn, as a daily relationship with Him deepens and expands into the horizon. There's a lot I am taking in, and I KNOW, that  I need to pray for the knowledge I am receiving to be applied to my life. Not for sanity's sake but for my relationship with Jesus' sake. I'll get back to you on this at a later date.

This morning as I was reflecting on John 20, I realized I've been on the book of John for 4 months. I've come to really know Jesus initimately during this time. He's always been a part of my relationship with the Father, but during these 4 months, He's become a living, breathing, blood-flowing in the flesh person to me. I don't know what it is but there's a stronger connectiveness because of my conversations with Him. I love my Father, and He's become the Parent I've always wanted, but Jesus is becoming my Best Friend, and turning to Him throughout the day is easy.

This morning I asked for distinctiveness in Jesus's love for me. I asked that the love I am reading about, and the love I am thanking Him for be tangible today. I asked that what I was thinking and praying about come into the physical. I say this also in context to my work as well. I know it is a place where He should be glorified, but "knowing" isn't enough. "Doing" has to come out of that "knowing". I am tired of inaction.

So, as I was going about my morning, filing, moving files about, He said to me, "Show them My love." It's still ringing through my ears - Show them My Love. It's so incredibly simple, yet profoundly powerful. He tends to have a habit of that. Now I will be asking myself on a daily basis, "How can I love You?"

I am a witness to the world as it dies around me. But it isn't just simply dying. It is being brutalized, tortured, raped and torn to death. It isn't just giving up the ghost, as the cliche goes. It is being mutilated and with each deformity, dying. I am seeing it in humanity. I am seeing it in nature. I am a witness. But I ask Him, what else can I do other than be a Witness?

I am giving up much in my pursuit of Christ. But I realize at the same time, I am gaining much. I am becoming sensitive to the world around me and in my discovery, finding pain, sorrow, anguish, hatred, chaos. And I am not running away from this, but embracing this view into the world I live in. I can see the heart of Christ in all of this, the sorrow, pain, and anguish piercing each cell of His heart. What I am beholding in humanity is controlled chaos. It doesn't frighten me, but to the heart, it saddens me. I see what the world is without Christ. I see what the world is without the law of self-sacrificing love. A world teetering on the brink of eternity. Heavenly Father, continue to show me the unfolding of this world's last history. Amen