I praise my Father for contineously and unendingly peeling back the layers that cover these eyes. Each day, I learn new truths that bring me closer into His presence, and dearer becomes His embrace. He is my parent, former of my being, and I am eternally thankful for this heritage.

The closer I come into His presence the greater my understanding of His love for me, the greater His grace becomes to me, the greater His faithfulness is shown to me. Yet, the closer I come to Him the more aware I am of my sinful state, of the fight within, the moments when it raises it's grotesque head and I am left aware of my filthiness. And in this state while in His presence, I see the cutting brilliance of Christ's blood around me, swathing a path through my iniquity. So, with my uttermost being, I Will Praise Him!

I realized that I am the only single individual at work. As I began to briefly ponder on my singleness, and that longing started to emerge, the Spirit immediately spoke the Father's words to me.

 

He said, "I am taking out of you that base desire to be with your other, that self-centered desire that cries out, "me! me! me!" that desire that only looks for self-gratification that instantly satisifies but never ratifies that inner-hunger. You don't truly want him, you want to plug-up that inner hole in your heart that allows drafts to come through and chill you to the bone.

 

By coming to Me, I am replacing that self-gratification with otherness, the ability to deny self, to pick up that cross and follow Me! I am replacing it with the desire to praise Me. When you allow Me in, I slowly disolve this carnal-self through loving you, caring for you, walking, talking, and sharing with you. I become your world, your everything. Than I will give him to you, because you will not look to each other, you will look to Me. Together, you will praise Me!

The closer I come to Jesus, the more stark and contrasting the world appears. It is beginning to turn to grays, but the more I am with Him, take council in His word, fellowship with His disciples, pull away from the distractions of this life, it blackens. This life is tremendously grotesque. The only beauty I can truly see of Him is His unmeasureable Nature, companions professing His love, and the unfolding beauty of my own relationship with Him. These are three beautiful consistencies I see in this life.

a thought if you will.

I call them temporary fixings. It's what catches our eyes, we must have and so we get and sometime later we get bored and discard.

But with Him, He is eternity. It takes us forever to notice Him, off again on again we entertain Him, but sometime later we become unexplainably attached to Him and from there something incomprehensible happens within our souls that we must have Him indefinitely.

Beloved,

Again the theme of "make it simple" comes into affect. If His glory is to be my life's narrative, my body will glorify Him, my thoughts will glorify Him, my words will glorify Him, my actions will glorify Him, every ounce of me, my soul, my being will glorify Him. And if I glorify Him to my family, my friends, my colleagues, and to each stranger, to all who talk to me or see me, I will glorify Him to the universe.

It's not complicated; it's simple, however the weight behind glorifying Him is unimaginable. I don't just want to glorify Him with my self, but also with my marriage, with my husband, with my children. I want my family to be a testimony of His all consuming presence in our lives. And of course, the only way that will happen is if I start glorifying Him today, here in this moment.

So I say: Jesus loves me, He is the reason for my being, and I pray that my words turn into actions; be it through a cheerful, smiling attitude, words of His love to a friend. Again Jesus loves me. It's simple. May He through me show the world this simplicity. Amen.

Beloved,

I am going through the process of purging my life of white noise, nicknacks and itty bitty stumbling blocks that get in the way of my relationship with my Father in heaven.

What makes it possible is just the fact that I want to know Him more, want to be all consumed by Him and have Him in every inch of my life. And as I go through this process of discarding or destroying these nuisances, I am beginning to realize just how thirsty I am, realizing how hollow and empty I am, seeing how far away I am. The truth of where I was in my walk and talk with my Best Friend was incredibly blunt, but the Spirit was leading to me a moment where I would look around and realize He wasn't my everything.

As David said in Psalms 139:23, "Search me, O God, and know my heart" To allow Him that intimacy, I need to let Him in, give Him access to everything that pertains to me.

Father, Abba, help me to be a reader of the life stories around me. Impress upon me the need to open the "bookcovers" that come in and out of my life and to delve deeply into their text. May I, through my actions, share Christ's story to those I interact with. Amen

AMEN!!

The Coming Oil Crisis, by Ivor Myers

As I was talking to her, I said, "With the person I'm with or I'm involved in, I want to say "This is it." Every time that I can remember, but now, no more. I now say, my Everything is for my Father, He is it."

Father God, Christ - You are it. I want what You want. You choose for me.

I want what my Father wants for me. I know not myself and I trust not my heart.

Amen...

I want...I want...I want, I want, I want, HA! I'm going through all these profiles, and that's all I see: what the "heart" supposedly "wants". Honestly, we really don't know what we want in a spouse. We think we do, but honest to goodness, we don't. Talk to couples. Most of the time I hear girls talking about their husbands as being an unlikely choice, not their "type," yet I can plainly see that they are happy with the person they're with. The heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart is never satisfied in all of its wanting. David writes of God giving us the desire of our heart. People have come to assumed that this refers to their future spouse. Yet, I have come to learn that our hearts desire God. It is a relationship with the Father, with Christ that our desires are truly fulfilled. A earthly relationship with another human is a by-product of our relationship with God. The theme throughout the entire Bible is the relationship of God with man, colored in all its shades of goodness and ugliness. He is our goal, our attainment, not a man or a woman, but Him, the one who made us and redeemed us. Our first and most vital relationship.

“Love is the basis of godliness. Whatever the profession, no man has pure love to God unless he has unselfish love for his brother. But we can never come into possession of this spirit by trying to love others. What is needed is the love of Christ in the heart. When self is merged in Christ, love springs forth spontaneously. The completeness of Christian character is attained when the impulse to help and bless others springs constantly from within--when the sunshine of heaven fills the heart and is revealed in the countenance” (Christ’s Object Lessons, p. 384).

School is done and again for the second time in my life I am left wondering what I'll do with it exactly. Oh I know my Father will provide but it is in the time between that I am left wondering what I'll do with myself as I wait. Of course, I don't mean physically but mentally. I do feel a little lost even as I make attempts at cover letters which I equate to biting nails. I can't believe that I am done school and barely can breathe when now I must join this new band wagon of "finding a job". Jesus, preserve me!

so powerful and so true...amen!

I Love Me, I love me Not: Why Self Esteem will never satisfy

I've come to see this myself, and now I've found someone who has talked about it.

I've grown so much in my walk with God during these last two years. Going to a public/secular university while situated in a some form of Christian domain has been a very fulfilling experience. I've learnt so much about myself in context to God and so much about God in context to myself. Every situation I am in life, I learn something new about God. I learned why the Sabbath is so important. It's all about relationship and that quality time I spend with Him.

I learned God can be shared in absolutely every facet -- from my smile to my attitude to sharing simple truths about Him. I learned that anything difficult is an opportunity for God to shine in my life. I lean on Him. We work together and together we finish. Difficult times aren't about me, but about Him.

I learned that I am a self-centered human who must daily put Jesus as the focus of my life. I learned that anything and everything I go through Jesus went through. I learned that I am loved, treasured and pursued by my Father. I learned that I must recognize my hormones in the context that God created them for a purpose and I must monthly accept this.

I learned that I can reach all people through my profession and that I can share my Father in something as simple as a smile and the attitude of going the extra mile. I learned that this place is not my home, but I wait and share Him until He comes for me.

I just had another revelation this morning: Christ is my reflection of how to deal with life. He did it; He is my great example. Christ had a cheerful continence even though He probably felt entirely the opposite. He was happy for the sake of those around Him, and He was happy because He remembered His Father in all His dealings. It is perhaps why He spent so much time in prayer; to not despair. I was feeling down and now I realize (or my Father pointed it out) that Jesus had the same moment as me.

this week, we've been out of sync. I have no idea why. We're not jiving...it might be because at this particular time of month I'm more attracted to the opposite sex, or drawing unto myself during this time, but this week, I feel as though we're not connecting. It makes me moodie and contemplative...

I know I am being blessed but I don't see it as blessings; they are conversations between God and I; a question I have posed and He has answered. And blessings are framed within peaceful or troubling settings. Whatever the case, they are conversational topics I like to bring, share and discuss with my Father.  And to me that's beautiful.

The hardest thing to do in some situations is breathe. I get into a moment where I want to keep going and I forget to breathe. Stop, breathe and step away and for a space, let it be.

I use my relationship with Jesus as a measure stick for everything in my life. School, work, family, friends, situations, circumstances, consequences, everything that can be thought of under the sun and blue sky. What I discover in my relationship with this Wonderful Person I use to measure my interactions, understandings and reactions to the world around me. So, this morning I got into a disagreement with a well known author. She talks about the importance of patience. Actually, over several pages she talks about  Peter's passage of 2 Peter 1:7 where she looks at the importance of different characteristics in context to our relationship with God. Of course, she brings in other verses too, but what we disagreed with is the presentation of Patience in the life of a Christian. Here's what she wrote:

There is a necessity for the Christian adding patience to temperance. There will need to be a firm principle and fixedness of purpose not to offend in word or action either our own conscience or the feelings of others. There must be a rising above the customs of the world in order to bear reproach, disappointment, losses and crosses without one murmur, but with uncomplaining dignity....A petulant, ill-natured  man or woman really knows not what it is to be happy. Every cup which he puts to his lips seems to be bitter as wormwood and his path seems strewn with rough stones, with briars and thorns; but he must add to temperance patience and he will not see or feel slights.

There's nothing wrong with this paragraph except for one thing; people reading this will get the impression that they have to do this of their own strength. People will either get discouraged or go right on a head, missing the point.

And the point is, only in Christ can we accomplish anything of this magnitude. I'll be honest, we live in a society where patience is an unknown word. And more importantly having a relationship with Christ first and foremost will cause a person to naturally seek out the importance of patience and temperance in representing Christ. It's the whole buggy before the horse idea here that I am greatly uncomfortable with. People don't realize that all desired character change happens during that relationship with Christ, it doesn't happen before.

One of the best moments in life is when you connect with a person spiritually. Everything jives. You and that person arise to the moment to share heart-felt moments, speak soul to soul, and all of this is often on the first encounter. Finding a soul relative is one of the greatest aspects of the walk with Jesus. It's just -- beautiful!

Christ feels as I feel. In my happiness or sadness, He feels as I feel. In my disappointment and pain, He feels as I feel.

And I am called to hope. I am called to hope in the day when I will see Him and walk with Him and discuss with Him (even though He knows) every tear and smile that led me to Him.

I am called to hope, because of Him. And I hope, knowing I may be disappointed. I hope because I am willing to accept that pain; knowing I wasn't created for it but because of sin I have to live through it.

Now that I know, I am willing to hope in friendships and relationships that may stay or go another way. I am willing to hope, because He hoped in His pursuit of the people around Him, that they would turn and follow Him; turn, listen and believe; turn and fall in-love with Love. And He was scarred with disappointment, but He still hoped, pursued and loved them.

So I hope, knowing that I hope with Him, knowing He will fulfill this hope.

I am called to be obedient not only because He knows what is best but also because it creates a consistency that allows the relationship to grow, strengthen and prosper. Every "traditional" word that I grew up with is important but I want to resist because of the connotation the word use to bring. However, it is about reflecting on those words and truly studying them in the light of my own relationship with God along with references to the Bible. Intriguing...

a sacred intimacy

I spoke out
in the waking
hours as I tread
the path we
journey together

Cried from the recesses
of a troubled soul
not knowing how
or when but knowing
You will deliver

Profound thought:  I cannot love unless I let Him love me.

There are certain emotions I haven't felt in a long time. So long that when they appeared, I was surprised, taken aback, and thought, "I can still feel this way?" These feelings were a portal to my younger self, in the days when I thought those particular emotions were how I based my view on a slice of my world. Emotions, that took me by surprise and have got me thinking about how much I've grown in my walk with Him who has my heart.

But it was refreshing - it was like standing at a place near the open ocean, watching the sun slowly fall, and seconds later, watch it sink into the horizon while your breath is taken away by the magnificent array of colors blazing out before your eyes, all a while set within the frame of a passing breeze, the soft sound of water shifting against shore with the feeling of the sand against your skin - that's what it felt like.

And I embrace this entire emotional experience at this moment, in this time, and thank God that I remember that I can still feel this way and leave it at that. Something far Greater captivates me, and it will not last a moment, but an eternity.

I'm going a little wonkers at the moment. I have two upcoming projects due and getting them started and finished is similar to running a race barefoot with no water available. So, to inspire myself I've created a wish list for this summer, here it is!

• read the entire Terry Pratchett Collection
• read books, comics, and graphic novels
• start and complete some short stories
• volunteer at the public library
• finish my paintings
• study anatomy to improve my drawings
• get involved in community/church activities
• take a walk every day
• clean out my closet
• set up some cleaning projects

Yes, I like cleaning. I don't know what it is but it cleans my soul. 

Most call it Valentines Day, and some are beginning to call it Singles' Awareness Day but I call it God Love's You Day. We are so caught up in the self around this time of year. This day has become the alter unto self, and since love, the foundation of God's self, has been contorted and twisted so terribly, this day could be seen as a sacrilege. So, I chose this day to recommit, re-form, and to remember my relationship with the most wonderful Person during this time. I celebrate the day because He first loved me and today I honour that love.

This year's vow to strengthen my relationship with God:

• get out of my comfort zone
• to recognize any threat that will obscure my relationship with God and to remove, while asking Him for strength to do so
• to evaluate each day my time spent with God
• to realize and strengthen the aspects that show and tell the testimony of His love for me (that my life is a testimony and how does God work His love through me?)

"Sacrifice and offering You did not desire; My ears You have opened. Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require. Then I said, "Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book, it is written of me. I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is written in my heart." Ps. 40:6-9

At the moment, I am going through this chapter, day by day and memorizing parts of it...well, actually all of it. I am finding my entire graduate experience embodied within this text in particular my relationship with God and life during my time at school and the parallels are uncanny, but so reflective of my walk with Him. This aspect of the text refers to David realizing what God is really saying to him, "that you don't have to work your into my heart, but look...you are already in the Book of Life" and David realizing this changes his interaction with God. He sees a different, even clearer picture of God.

Any daily involvement with God is like imprinting His DNA into my character. In class we talked about memory and how it decays. We also discussed how the reading experience is about one emotion based experience to the next and how in rereadings of a text we try to recapture that emotion. But we can't. When we we come back to the text we've changed; life is progressing through us and it is through that paradigm that we view the text upon our return to it. The text does not change, we do.

Ironically enough this "theory" (or whatever) is readily used in Christian circles. Actually our approach to the Bible is very much in this context, and it really makes me wonder about a whole slew of other heaven related topics. Bu reverting back, the only difference to reading the Bible and secular/spiritual texts is that the Bible always develops, defines and designs us in context to God. Interesting.

Incredible, a year has come and gone and now we stand on the threshold anew.

What can I say? I got that B+. By than I already knew the answer and here I am at the door of a new year, a new term but at the end of my graduate experience. The experience has been tough as hide, excruciating as nails on a board, tormenting as a racketeers delight. What is that quote they say? Oh right...no pain, no gain, and though it sounds weird, I can testify. Left me explain.

First Year Dialogue to Self: Part One

I'm in? Really? Yay!! ...well, that was easy. Okay, wherez the class, ah, there you are you sneaky classroom. He...he...okay, learning knowledge....lots of knowledge....too much knowledge. WARNING, WARNING, WARNING: INFORMATION OVERLOAD (drowning, catches a passing buoy). I know the solution, I won't read as much....ah....relief!

(unbelievably, she passes first term and thinks second term will be of like material, unfortunately our unexpected student is sorely misinformed by trailing-last-term assumptions and second year student's misplaced assurance)

First Year Dialogue to Self: Part Two

Wheee, that was fun, (clapping hands) again! again! ...okay, picking classes....um....(scrunched brow, finger on lip) let's pick that one.....annnnnddd, that one! ooooh, that looks like fun....yes that one! Okay one more...oh, I have to take this one...bummer, oh well. Tra la la la la, off to class I go. Oooh, I want to apply for scholarships! Let's do that, and let's work. Yay,  a fun job of pulling and pushing books. And to balance the growing stack of somethings let's add this, this, this, and of course, that....Hmmm, this is getting difficult. I vaguely remember 'difficult' last term...oh oh...difficult is getting more difficult. OH, Oh, burning, I'm starting to burn! Burning, BURNING, may day, may day, out of the way!!!!

And so my first year came to an end. With the two summer classes I took to make up for the two failed classes, I began to comprehend my stepping out of the horrible pit of burned carnage of my first year failings. Apparently I wasn't getting out fast enough, because I got a talking to from someone in the higher ups. A talking to that I would only appreciate later on.

So I've just yammered about my entire graduate experience, and I guess some people would be pretty peeved about their crashing and burning class experience, and say, why rehash the whole episode. Hey, I have my point. Let me get to it. Everybody has a reason for why they make choices, take on a job, move to a new area, apply for a program. There are reasons for everything. My reason for this entire program is God and as I've come to learn my reason for every movement, word and breath I take as well.

As I was saying, it's the beginning of the term...