The last few weeks have been a slow spiritual atrophy; a break down that was beginning to seriously affect my state of being. I knew He was right beside me, but I was having difficulty with turning to see His face. There was such a great struggle, a struggle that I realize had several key parasitic fractors. 1) My lack of meeting with others for spiritual encouragement was seriously lacking, 2) Because that encouragement was lacking, I filled the void with spiritually lacking amusements that created a vaccuum and the cycle repeated itself.

What broke it? The prayer breakfast I had on Sunday morning brought me into the presence of God's people and their own prayer journey. I know the power of prayer and how it moves in my life, and I know I haven't been seriously tapping into it, and I know that Jesus is wanting me to seriously commit time and energy in pursuing this matter with Him. I have come to know Him intimately, and I know that this initimacey will grow richly deeper. It's time to make the plunge!  

Everytime I breathe, I know I am blessed. Everytime I wake up in the morning, just before close my eyes at night, I know - I am blessed. I am in want of absolutely nothing, for He has provided for each and every need - be it spiritual need, relational need, financial need, in all things - He provides. The most significant blessing is that I am at peace, no, satisfied where He has blessed me in context to my significant other. There is total peace in this area of my life, and the gaps where I once felt restless, rest attends me throughout my days. At the core of me, there is rest, there is peacefulness, there is security, there is love. At the core of me, He sits, He stands, He moves, He speaks, and He moves me. Jesus - He is my Center. Amen.

Today, I prettied myself up, not really thinking about what day it was - the day of Hearts. This day is special to me, and not for the obvious reasons. This day is a reminder of the great Love my Beloved has for me. But today, as I walk through a particular crisis with one of my heart&souls', I am reminded how much I am in love with Him. He has forgiven me of all matters of my past, but the beauty of that forgiveness, is that I don't know the depth of that forgiveness until, as He readies my heart, He shows me what in my past is sin. I now understand David when he said, Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for You are good, O LORD (Ps25:7).

Last night, I came to Him, asking forgiveness for my mistakes of my youth. I looked back at that path I once walked and could see the darkness that surrounded me. I know, according to today's culture, within Christianity or the Secular, that my youthful choices are quite tame. But when you step into Jesus presence, nothing in this life is tame or extreme, and one realizes all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rms3:23).

And when I realized the depth of that fallen state, I realized some of my ideas I've held onto are slipping into obscurity. Trully, if anyone is in Christ, s/he is a new creation! The old has gone and the new has come (2Cor5:17).

Jesus, thank You for loving me, and thank You for teaching me what it means to love You! Amen.

A part of The Word that has become an intricate part of my vocabulary and memory is, For you have need of endurance so that after you have done the will of God you will receive the promise (Hebrew 10:36). What I am enduring these days is a testing of faith but also learning to praise and give thanks for what I do not even see. I am beginning to understand the emotions and the vibe of Paul and Silas as they sat chained in a prison, but started to sing praises. I am beginning to understand Abraham as he believed on God to give him a son, yet had no clue as to how He would do it. I am starting to comprehend Daniel, as he humbled himself, confessed himself, to receive an answer as to the meaning of a particularly intense vision that was given to him by God. I am beginning to feel to my bones Jacob's wrestling with Him all the night long.

I read These Words, and I am beginning to feel the words heavy on my bones. The meaning of this fast is beginning to change. I am fasting for clarity, but now I am continuing on until I receive His promise. Amen.

I've been so use to praying for everyone else and being blessed by their answered prayers, that when it comes to my prayers for my own crazy situations, I am a little hesitent. It is only until now, that I am realizing that this is another part of my spoken journey with Him. All given gifts have often been unspoken requests, or timely answers, but this current matter is on stopwatch time, and I am finding myself holding my breath. But Jesus, why? What makes this situation different than any other?

Anyways, thank You for my power praying girls, who are uplifting us into Your presence. Amen

I've decided to do some serious juicing for the next several weeks. It's something of a fast, and it's tied in with prayers with concerns to this youth conference I will be attending in March. I want clarity of mind as I pray over the conference, the workshops I will be attending, and the people I will be networking with.

So, this is Day 3 of my juicing experience. I have told myself I will make it to Saturday, and then we'll see about starting a new week on this method. I am keeping it in His hands..

Another new heart experience with Him is that He gives me everything. That makes no sense at the moment, so I will rewind and devulge this train of thought. I have come to realize that I am nothing. Nothing is mine, the very matter of my being was not created by me, I cannot lay claim to any "I am"s, even my life and death are not mine. I began because He deemed it, and I will die because this consequence has been passed down through the DNA chain. I have nothing hence I am nothing, and even than the "I am nothing" is not even mine, these are borrowed words to express my state of being.

So when I say He is my Everything, He is literally is my everything. I am here and alive because He deems it. But it's not only because He has deemed it, He desires that I am here and alive. When I speak to Him, He gives me the very words in which to speak words to Him, and His words are power and beauty, mercy and kindess, love and faithfulness, grace and peace. He enables me to speak to Him words, His Words that put the universe into motion, crafted the body and soul of Man, gave up His life at the Cross when He said it is finished, and now, Words that draw me into His very presence as He judges, interceeds and changes me in the Holy of Holies.

I am my Beloved's, and He is mine.

Looking at my past post, I realize I don't need to take a vow of silence. If I just clearly state my perspective of this person as just a friend, that I am not interested, then I seem to stay out of hot water. This is good to know, but interestingly, by speaking this outloud it saves me time, energy, and hassle down the road. Thank You Jesus!!