The LORD came to me saying, "...what do you see?" And I said, "I see a branch of an almond tree", Then the LORD said to me, "You have seen correctly, for I am ready to perform My word". 

In the Old Testament, the almond tree was a symbol of watchfulness, and the word itself means "watchful, wake". It's like He was saying to Jeremiah, Hey, be aware, lean in and listen carefully - because in the next several verses, God yet again says, what do you see? Jeremiah was the forever student, he was perpetually pitched forward into the arena of learning, and very little of it had to do with choice. From the womb, the boy had been designated to be a mouth piece, but also initiated into a tumultuous yet intimate conversation with his Creator - the clay talking back to the hand.

I am a perpetual student, and I was just taught about being watchful via an almond tree branch. Weird. Amen. 

I don't normally put up media on this blog, but after watching this short film on the Great Controversy, I was impressed, and impressed to post it here: 

Sometimes tackling life is all in the approach. Tackling for me is in the role of a student, and I am perpetually tied to a desk since it's the only way I can get into the study zone. Being at a desk has always been my approach to studying, to studiously reading, and even diving into the Word. So, moving a desk into my current room only makes sense. As a teacher, I need that space to grade on, but I also need that desk to get into my student zone. Thank You, Jesus, for opening my eyes to that space in me. Amen. 

Urgency is needed at times. The matter of urgency hasn't been felt for a long time until last night after a rather sobering conversation with the boyfriend. I know where I once was in my relationship with Christ, and even though I am seriously stumbling at the moment, I know what once was. I knew the perimeters of our relationship, and I am reacquainting myself with His thoughts towards me. He, on the other hand, doesn't have experience. He as a man will have an entirely different interaction with Jesus than I would, but the question is how does he get there? I can't give any advice, and I can't rely on my own experience to share with him, because as a guy, he will have an entirely different take on his interactions with Jesus.

So this morning, I woke up determined. Urgency was definitely vibrating throughout my being. I know I can't do anything, can't say anything, BUT, I can pray. I know prayer works, I know the Holy Spirit can do some mighty revelation, I know that the enveloping presence of my Jesus can definitely step out of time and space and right into his mind. So this morning I immersed myself in Psalms 51:7-13, because man alive, I need some serious cleaning before I can do some serious intercession:

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness, That the bones You have broken may rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities.
 
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
 
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You

Today, I learned about grace. Today, I learned about giving grace till the last possible moment. Today, I learned about being graced...daily. Grace is the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. Jesus, you are gracious with me always - yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

Anger is a good emotion if positively executed. Be angry and change the world, be angry and make the right choices, be angry and look at the stem of that anger. But often times, anger is a by-product of hurt, and so spirals out and hurts the world. I am angry at the moment, but I am perfectly fine with that anger, because it has caused me to wake up, delve in and look at myself. I am starting to look at the choices I have made in the last four months. It takes me a while to adjust to new ideas or situations, but Jesus is always the catalyst to begin the adjustment. In the process of dating the man of my dreams, I have fallen into some not-so-great-habits (courtesy of myself). I've been questing for a reason for those habits, and in my angered state, I have come to a root of the habits. I am still angry, but I now know what to do.  Thank You Jesus! Amen. 

I've been digging around my creativity in the last few days. I was looking at amping up my fantasy writing, and was beginning to do the research, however, during devotion time tonight, a thought hit me (curtesy of the Holy Spirit) - write stories that matter, write stories that are true, write stories that can change the heart and the only stories that I can think of are stories that come out of prayer.

If Jesus is the Author of my life, and the lives of those around me, why not write stories of victory, stories of contemplation, stories that aren't just following my narrative, but the voices of those around me. Those are the kind of stories that matter in this life. I remember the stories that I loved the most as a child were stories of missionaries as they traversed far off lands and wrote amazing and strange tales. I need to start researching those kinds of stories from the here and now.

Anyways, I am contemplating creating another blog just for those kinds of stories. Amen. 

I now know, without a doubt, the true path of de-stressing. A cup of delectable tea, soft chinese music, and my blog. It is as if the inner pool of my soul are stilled, and the music, tea, and writing are a drop of inspiration that singularly drip and drop and ripple the pool to the edges of my soul. So incredibly relaxing. It puts my entire mind at ease, which in turn ripples out to the rest of my body. This space that is created is welcoming to the Holy Spirit. I need to tap into my writing and immerse myself into that pool once again. I begin now, and I will pick up in the morning. Amen. 

I am struggling. I'm struggling with spending time with Him. I'm struggling from switching mental gears into the next stage of our relationship. I am struggling with consistency. Consistency is perhaps the biggest struggle :P Jesus, I know You keep saying that You take me as I am, I am grateful. Jesus, I know You keep telling to me to be joyful and to praise, I praise You for being here with me in this moment. Amen. 

My mom always amazes me. She is always pushing us to not make the same mistakes as she did in her younger years, but I wish she had a better way of getting that across. Her wisdom is deep, but we're always pushing her on every one of her points. It's only after much stress on everybody's part that we realize, yes, mom is right. But why in the world does it have to get to that? I know I have my part to blame, but where does all of this pushing come back from? It's a cycle. Mom tells me how her mother pushed her to do things, and she fought back and made her own mistakes, but that fighting back still occurs in the next generation (me). How can this cycle be broken? This is so ridiculous!

My brother just started dating this girl. I am quite happy for him because he is so excited to be with someone who get's him - his humour, his intellect, his point of views, his self. I am excited that he is excited, and it's been quite enjoyable to watch the relationship blossom in such a short time. I find myself relating all the time.

So I am rather intrigued that I find myself jealous. I was actually rather unsettled by the emotion. In the entirely of my thought existence, I do not recall being jealous, so it would come as no surprise that I had to poke and prod at this sproat and discover the root of its growth. And what I discovered at the root was a rather gargantuan boulder. I am jealous of the approval my mom gives the relationship. I've been watching her complete apprehension about the sudden relationship. Watched her react, but also watched my brother be quite open about his intentions towards this girl. I, on the other hand, have had to be guarded. I haven't shared much, because in the past my openness has burned me. But I do have to ask my self, why this urge towards approval?

It's a vicious cycle. What I am going through, my mother when through with her mother. There was a seeking of approval and a use of that seeking to manipulate the mother/daughter relationship. The question I find myself asking is, how can this cycle end with the next generation? I want to find the balance in raising my own children.

There's only one place to bring the question, and only one place where I know I will receive an answer. I'm going to take it to Him tonight, sit down and talk to Him about this whole mess. Amen

I think the most amazing thing of an amazing relationship is being continuously amazed by the continuous free fall of falling in love, being in love with one truly amazing man : )

I haven't really written much about my immediate family because they haven't really conflicted with my state of being for quite sometime. They are a brood of extremes, a characteristic that I am trying to deal with by recognizing rather than hiding it away in some closet. But it's bred in my bones. My entire life style is based on extremes. How I go about overcoming habits, is based in extremes. I don't know how to moderate. I honestly don't know if this is something that is nurture-bred or nature-bred. My mental, physical, spiritual and social health is one big pendulum swing.

My week has been stressful. The use of my time is currently being weighed and measured and I am coming up short of breath. This week is all about reassessing my "everything" health, and most of all getting me some serious Jesus to help me sort all of this out. He's helped me in the past and He's already there in the future, and I just need to rewrap my brain around Him in the here and now. BLAH! ...Amen. 

Once upon a time I thought for myself. The calumniation of my thoughts were for my well being, the pursuit of my happiness, the self consolation of my pain, my discomfort, my disappointments. But now I have grown up, I no longer see half of the mirror. There is now someone right beside me, someone who is a part of me, yet not a part of me. Someone I think about, worry about, wish for, hope for, and really pray for. Someone who unintentionally vexes me and a someone who causes me to pause and reflect on the true root of that vexation.  I feel like we're stepping out of the "honeymoon" stage as some would call it, and stepping into something far more profound. I feel as though something is being lost, yet, something else is being found. I feel like we are gathering up threads, spooling together yarn, to weave, to sew a trailing blanket that will encapsulate us and our children. Will it be woven, will it be quilted? I don't know. In this moment, I feel an urge to pray, and to continue praying till breath leaves my body, and life leave my bones. Pray for me, pray for him...pray for us. Amen

Relational transitioning always provides good analytical fodder. Everybody goes through the transition but it is an experience that can only be understood once one has traversed the path. It's a rite of passage. Those on the other side of the relational fence always say, "When, when, when..." and, of course, it doesn't make sense until the "when" does happen. As the relationship goes forward, moves into the next phase, the two brains involved also have to realign their thinking. Most times they don't think about their "thinking".

My copious thoughts have given me no rest, and I find myself with emotions I haven't felt since I was a teenager/early twentier. The twin-headed gorgon, Doubt and Insecurity have been shaking their snaky locks at me the last couple of days, a demon I thought had been beheaded years ago. Apparently they were holed up in some dusty closet in the inner castle. Their appearance goes to show that the abyss within has had the illusion of being holed up.

I find these emotions childish, but than I take another look at myself and realize I am a Child. All the theory about relationships that I have been packing into my head over the last year or so is now floating to the top of the inner pool. I am finding myself talking me through some mental mind fields as I console and cajole the two inner selves into new thinking patterns. We've gone from theory to practical. In the midst of the transitioning, I just hope no one hears me talking to my selves :P Amen. 

Am I going insane? Have I gone crazy? Nutso? A few bricks full of a load? One fry short of a happy meal? Certain thoughts that shouldn't be there are there, and I HATE IT! Jesus, take a hold of me. Calm my spirit. Amen. 

A great commotion has been stirring about within the last 24 hours. Emotions are surging up from somewhere and are travelling about my being. I've been mentally check listing all the possibilities and the only thing I am aware of is PMS. I did a bit of digging around. According to one website, PMS use to mean pre-menstrual syndrome, but many women are now complaining of PMS during or after their cycle. The attributes of "terrible crying or laughing" sounds oh so familiar, and mention of depression is ringing a bell as well. The website goes on to mention that outside factors such as not exercising, drinking coffee for example, can influence the heaviness of each bout of PMS. 

The last 24 hours has been a mess of crying, laughing, a questioning of my sanity, a creeping doubt of my self worth, and looking at my boyfriend in particularly strange paradigms outside of my normal thinking. I don't know whether to thank God that it IS Post Menstrual Syndrome or not. Whatever the case, I am just glad that there is some clarity. Amen. 

What happens when I daily acknowledge His presence? By beholding, I become. By acknowledging Your presence, Jesus, I recognize that You've taken away my judgements and cast out my enemy (Zephaniah 3:15). By simply acknowledging that You are here, I see that my sins are gone, and my enemy is gone, and all of this possible because You show up. Your presence repels. I don't have to ask for strength, I just need to seek Your presence. It now makes complete sense why it says, Seek the LORD and His strength, seek His presence continually (1 Chronicles 16:11), and You promise that You will dwell in me and walk in me (1 Corinthians 6:16). Jesus, You are always here, but by recognizing Your presence, I have sought Your presence. When I walk into Your presence on the path of Your body (Hebrews 10:19-22), I enter into the Presence of my Father, for without You, I cannot stand in His presence and live (Exodus 33:20). Each day I thank You for being right beside me, for Your mere presence dispels my judgements, and casts out my enemy. Your presence is my Everything. Amen!

Someone's gotten me thinking about the reasons why I pray to my Heavenly Father. First of all, I look at prayer as a means of communication. Prayer is an affirmation that He's there, when He answers and even when He tells me to be quiet and listen up. I have His Word to tell me what He thinks about me, but somehow mysteriously, speaking His Word back to Him increases my trust in Him, deepens my faith in Him, causes me to continually fall in love with Him, and renews my acceptance of His offered grace to me. Asking Him for something, from small to gargantuan matters, is about accepting His power and His sufficiency to do what I can only attempt to do. There's a verse in Jeremiah (or maybe Ezekial) that says I will show you great and mighty things which you have not seen". It's a promise. A blatant promise. I could maybe even say it's a dare.

Of course, God can do anything, He already has - He created you and I, but for my benefit He dares me to ask Him to show me great and mighty things. He sometimes even tells me what to pray for. What I have learned is that what I ask for doesn't deepen my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and Jesus, my constant Companion. It's the fact He's answered. But it doesn't just benefit me. It benefits those who I share my story with. It causes hope. It propels people into the direction of praying outrageous prayers. And along the way, they'll realize it's not about the receiving but the fact He has answered.

Once upon a time, I prayed an outrageous prayer. Much of the prayer wasn't even of my own making. He answered and I am only just beginning to realize the power of that answered prayer. That blessing is only the side effect of spending time with Him, and that blessing is a thread that draws me back to Him. Amen. 

I've been asking myself this question all day:

Where can I go and how far can I go with this aspect of praise? To what extent will I wrap up my life in praise to my Creator?

Amen.

Praise is foundational. It is the doorway into His presence and is the atmosphere of His grace. Essentially, praise is the key! I want to praise the Holy Spirit for being my memory when I regularly forget to come to my Father. I want to praise my Father because of His consistent love for me, regardless of my state of being. His love for me encompasses my past, my present and my future. His love for me simply is. I will no longer pray, but I will now praise. For embodied in praise is the motions of awe, of humbleness, of repentance, of almighty power realized and accomplished in the "is", of healing and of rejuvenation. Praise is cyclical. It will loop back and will loop even deeper into self.

Sometimes trekking through a spiritual desert serves the purpose in enhancing and pinpointing a spiritual point more acutely than would living in a spiritual oasis.

Two months ago, before trekking into the desert, I was driving with a friend and began to expound on the beauty of praise and its all encompassing properties. I told her that despite whatever walk anyone is walking with God, anyone can praise and the factors found within praise apply and are accomplished in anyone. It is only now that I understand the vitality of praise. Praise is holding hands with Jesus. When you hold hands with someone, you cannot help but look up into the face of that person.

Praise is found throughout the entire Word, but interestingly enough, praise is relevant on both sides of heaven. The book of Revelation is riddled with praise sessions. In the midst of all the controversy, praise is interlocked throughout the entire book. This praise recognizes the Divine Power, and interestingly enough taps into that power in it's state of humbled vulnerability.

Father, Creator God, and Maker of my belief, Holder of my thoughts, Keeper of my heartbeat, thank You for hearing this heart cry, but also thank You for this exquisitely beautiful point that You have fashioned out of my time in Your well placed desert. Thank You for this gift of realized Praise. Amen!!!

P.S. Praise also factors into faith, praise reveals the depths of His love

I am having a down day. Everything is out of sorts - my mind, my body, my runaway thoughts and I am beginning to notice, my spirituality. I am sending up prayers for help and realizing that the cycle is going to start again. Amen

In Your time You move the mountain...

Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain be removed and cast into the sea and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. Mark 11:22,23

A couple of interesting thoughts concerning this verse, "he will have whatever he says", I find it most intriguing the word "says" is used instead of "asks". The word "says" shows determination, an act of faith that the next step in the dark will be solid ground whereas "asks" is more like seeking approval or permission. I believe the measure of faith You speak of, Jesus is in context to knowing that You work in me to will and to act according to Your good purpose (Philippines 2:13), so it makes sense why whatever I say, will be done.

Last night, I came begging into my Father's presence - grow me, stretch me, tear and heal me, strike and bind me up. I am adjusting to a lot, and I am adjusting in my spiritual walk once again, and asking that I be shown a balance. Amen. 

Today is our one month anniversary, and we mark it with words gifted to one another. This morning we Skyped, sharing our morning, our silliness and our rather passionate love for one another, and not thinking about the day and its significance, we bid adieu. Ten minutes later, a train of thought occurred and I realized with a gasp that it was our anniversary, and grabbing the cellphone, opened the text option to fire him a "Happy Anniversary", but did not even get that far, when the cellphone began to ring, and picking up the phone, he says with much bravo and tender passion, "Happy Anniversary, I love you!!"

We're on the same page, riding the same wave length. All of it, him and us continues to leave me amazed, blessed and humbled.

It's been a tornado of a month, whirling about us as we stand in the eye of the storm. We're moving constant contradictions, knowing each other forever, yet discovering new surfaces and depths of each other and of our intertwining existences. As perpetual students we are each other's classroom, mapping the landscape of each other's atlas in the corner of those particular rooms. We are forever shifting through the sandbox of love, building castles, discovering hidden treasure, sharing and building together creations, and yet remaking the old to make yet anew.

We're multifaceted. I enjoy delving into the depths of him and I know he enjoys exploring mine. And I am amazed at how God has wrought all of this, created to compliment each other just right, just so. We are living out a life of praise, following Him down a path only He knows, and we praise Him for these moments of the here and now, and leave tomorrows in His capable hands. Amen!

Writing-wise, this month hasn't been productive. Going on the theme of spiritual slump from my last post, one thing I have been some what consistent in is trying to find a balance, a running thread between my heavenly relationship and my earthly one. I do admit I have been doing quite a bit of praise, and how can I not? I have met my life's companion, my best friend, my lover and he is one cool dude. It's only been two months, yet it feels a life time (it also might be the fact we talk to each other 24/7), and soon we'll be celebrating our one month anniversary.

I know according to world standards, New Years begins January 1, but I feel like I've begun a new year, and of course, that's excluding the new years of my birthday. Another type of countdown occurs when a relationship is begun, and hence a need to recognize new years, celebrations, anniversaries, and milestones. And when I reflect on all of this, I come to realize just how tied to time I am, but the irony is, there is one relationship that is ageless, is here and now and is bound to no time and is set in eternity - the relationship I have with my Creator.

I don't have to wait for heaven to know Him, and I am beginning to wonder about the physical aspect of meeting Him face to face, because is He not suppose to be found in the bodies of His children? I am reminded of Isaiah 53:10-11: Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief. When You make His soul an offering for sin, He shall see His seed, He shall prolong His days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper His hand. He shall see the labour of His soul, and be satisfied.

In Hebrew tradition, a man was preserved in a sense through his children and their children. Jesus, was not physically preserved but in the spirit was preserved in His sacrifice for those who He died for and those who accepted His sacrifice, and of course, the offer still stands for those who may never accept or on the verge of discovering their inheritance.

There is a Latin phrase that I am rather fond of: absens haeres non erit and it translates An absent person will not be heir. I realize there are people in the world who do not know Christ or even who He is, yet, they are living His words in motion daily. But I know Jesus, and I know I cannot be absent from His presence too long. Here I am to worship. Amen. 

I know I've been too long in my comfort zone when the prospects of moving, and the change in scenery begins to ruffle my feathers. I don't really think it's the moving that bothers me, it more of the amount of work that has to be put in and that goes to show you the extent of my lazy side. But as my other half kindly pointed out to me (and me in my forgetfulness), that we, hmmm, that I rely too much on myself. This is really interesting, now that I think about it, all of this is starting to take shape and reveal itself as the next challenge of the year. Yes, I believe in yearly challenges, personal challenges, but challenges that are way out of my league and require a lot of time in His presence that result in leaning on His strength.

I will admit it, I have been in a personal spiritual slump for the last month and a half. I do go in these cycles and I recognize them when they happen, and rather than fight them and get uber depressed, I simply wait them out. Out of that waiting comes revelation, understanding - as if He reaches out and touches my mind's eye, and scales fall off. Many things trigger a slump, sometimes good or sometimes not so good, but they happen. Oh, the communication between He and I never disappears, it just diminishes and He waits patiently for me on the side as I try to figure out what in the world is going on inside of me. That's why I love my Creator, He's one patient Dude. Amen.  

The Book of Jeremiah has become a favourite, especially as I continue to come back to the same chapters repeatedly and repeatedly find new perspective. Often that perspective is paralleled to my own life, serving as a paradigm microscope to view the intricacies of the good, bad and ugly of what I've experienced. Some of these verses (6:14-16) I've read before, but they bear repeating from the context of a nation to the context of myself:

14 They have also healed the hurt of My people slightly, Saying, ‘Peace, peace!’ When there is no peace. 15 Were they ashamed when they had committed abomination? No! They were not at all ashamed; Nor did they know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; At the time I punish them, They shall be cast down,” says the Lord.16 Thus says the LORD: “Stand in the ways and see, And ask for the old paths, where the good way is, And walk in it; Then you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

What I find so fascinating is the visual effect of verse 16 (hence the picture).  The aspect of no shame I also find interesting. I am reminded of another verse but this time from Psalms 119:9, "How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to Your word..." 

The idea of paths and seeking for or guarding knowledge as the wellspring of life is seen in both of these verses but what both verses embrace is the idea knowledge becoming action. And all of this comes back to me - the action of seeking knowledge, seeking purity in an active place rather than in a negative space. Jeremiah's words refer to a need to seek after God in their negative space whereas David on the other hand refers to seeking after God in a positive space. Jeremiah speaks of a people not ashamed and David speaks of a young man already in purity. Whatever the space, both men point out the Way. 

So, some days ago, I stood in the way and I asked which way should I go? I stood in the ways and looked, I asked for the old paths, where the good way was, and I began walking in it, and now, I find rest for my soul. Amen. 

There is a season for all things and the season I am in right now is satisfaction. I am satisfied. But even though I am satisfied, I am reminded that it has come out of much labour and of course, my thoughts turn to Isaiah 53:10,11:

"...When You make His soul an offering for sin, He shall see His seed, He shall prolong His days, and the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in His hand. He shall see the labour of His soul, and be satisfied..."

In my state of being, I am taking full opportunity to lay down the highway signs of my experience in this time and space, so that my soul will have reminders in time's of other seasons. After all, I am a forgetful person :) Amen. 

Our actions either reveal or betray our thoughts, and I guess it really depends on what perspective I want to take. I was reading Jeremiah 6:19, 20 and it says

Behold, I will certainly bring calamity on this people - The fruit of their thoughts, because they have not heeded My words nor My law, but rejected it. For what purpose to Me comes frankincense from Sheba, and sweet cane from a far country? Your burnt offerings are not acceptable, nor your sacrifices sweet to Me.

All of my actions stem from my thoughts. These particular verses reach out to my own thoughts in my own situation. Are my thoughts focused on self or focused on other? And what actions are telling of those thoughts? The symbolism of thoughts are words, and I am reminded of another thought that stated, The spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life (Jn 6:63). So, the question arises - are the thoughts I recycle throughout my cranium of myself OR are they from the Original Source, the Original Coder? 

Some verses I find myself looping back to - Jeremiah 6:4,5. The selected imagery suggests a deeper meaning and seems to parallel with 6:2,3. Still grappling with this and asking for insight. Amen.

I love you. I can simply state "I love you", and yet, that love becomes increasingly profound with each passing day. When I first said, "I love you", I had an understanding of what love was in that moment, and the meaning of love in that space was enough. But that was the yesterday of two weeks ago. My "I love yous" are now specifically custom made. "I love you" now wears your face. "I love you" now has your laughter. "I love you" has your warmth, your happiness, and your joy. "I love you" will one day contain your grumpiness, your anger, your annoyance, and even your sadness. I love you and I know those words will continue funnelling out into the nuances of 1 Corinthian 13 in all its glorious simplistic complexities.

I love you, and I just want to be planted right beside you. I want to grow my roots into your roots, lean my branches into yours, and maybe someday become entangled so that from a distance we appear as one, but step closer and we are two.

Oh, and by the way...I love you!

Amen. 

In self reflective mode right now. This month has been intense. INTENSE! Not in a bad way, but a good way. Intense in such a way that I feel no pressure or any tension. So maybe the word "intense" is not the appropriate word.

So perhaps the word I am looking for is "extraordinary". This month has been extraordinary. One remarkable moment took place - I fell in love. Although there is definitely emotions involved, and goodness, some hormones, it is also an intellectual experience, and somehow there is assurance in knowing it's not entirely a heady experience, but a head experience as well.

I haven't gotten into my head for quite sometime. I haven't had time to reflect on what this means to me. I've adjusted to the aspect of "us" and that is a wonderful adventure daily unfolding, but to me, what does all of this mean to me? As a woman whose been looking for so long, and finally let go, and than immediately placed with such an amazing love, what does this mean to me? Several words come to mind, but one word sticks out: readjustment. It's not a bad word. It's a realistic word. I adjust my time because I want to catch his smiles and his laughter when I can. I adjust my daily plan and my down the road plans, because he is a part of my present as well as my future. I adjust time with family and friends, so that he is included in that time and space framework. Of course this isn't a single foot path. We're both walking this two lane passage. He is adjusting on his end as well.

So, as we meld together, we are also beginning to realize the needed healthiness of adjusting our own personal alone time as well. As I come away from us to dig my personal roots into the soil of Him and I, what am I taking from the "us" factor into His presence?

I am inspirational. I am loved. I am loving. I am beautiful. I am treasured. I am glorious. I am sensual. I am wanted. I am desired. I am explored. I am laughter. Many other words are in mind, but what I want to bring to the forefront of my thoughts is these are truths I've known of myself. These words were told to me whenever I came into my Creator's presence. The difference is that these words about me became even more real when spoken aloud to me. I've said this else where, but there is power is spoken words. I accepted these words as truth, because I trust the person who speaks them. He speaks them out of love but he also speaks them in trust realized.

So I am adjusting. I am wrapping my thoughts around the textual me in physical and metaphysical spaces. The idea of who I am is bound up in text, and so it is here that I am adjusting to the personal space of I to the united space of us. Amen.

I stood outside in the cooling breeze and felt the coolness of the drenched earth. I looked up. I saw the luminous moon and I thought of you, and knew that soon, we'd be together under that same lusciously full moon in a few days. Amen. 

Hearing his voice each day and seeing his face every night, just does not cut it! I am missing out in some serious in person snuggle&cuddle time! I see him in 3 1/2 days, and yet time seems to be inching along - inching! Nonetheless, I am very thankful I get to see him in a little over 3 days. Amen!

I know we're both grown adults, but that sense of child-like adventure, the excitement in sharing something new or something shiny, that need to walk a beach and build a series of sand castles, or skip rocks together, is an urge that pervades my thoughts. That desire to explore trails, or climb over boulders, sit down and build something with legos, is something I am so excited about doing with you! But it makes sense, we're His children after all, and I am thrilled beyond horizons to being a kid with you. Amen. 

I love you because you are who you are - a gentlemen at heart, a doer of the thoughts running through your head, a perpetual student, a laughing soul, a metaphysical finder, a true romancer, a wooer of me, a Christ-centered manly man - and even though you are not here, your essence is, and it pervades ever neurone of me, continually spiralling out into the vastness of us - you, me and He. Amen. 

I was never lacking but I was introduced to the other half of my soul, and he is delightfully exquisite. I never thought in my entire life I could connect to someone so intimately, and in the beauty of knowing him there is a sense of freedom. There is no stress, no guilt, no shame in exploring each other mentally, physically, socially and spiritually. We revel in our merging path that we once walked separately but ironically paralleled. Our interacting existence is an act of worship to our heavenly Father, a motion of continuous praise and in the wake of this concerto, humbleness realized. I cannot hide who he is to me, and daily I speak of him in short or extended speech. His thoughts towards me daily remind me of my heavenly Father's own thoughts towards me. Because my God has treasured me, I recognize when he treasures me. The other half of my soul is altogether beautiful to me. Amen.

I've never experienced this sensation of longing - where the entirety of me, my very spirit longs to reach out and be entirely enveloped by another - another's spirit who longs after the entirety of me. It's like the core of me is shifting, trying to move, trying reach up and step out of my bones. I long for him. There is this longing to know, to know in completeness. This, of course, causes me to pause and reflect on the aspect of longing found in my Creator. The only thing I can relate to in context to this aspect of longing is, well, "yada" - to know in Hebrew. To "know" as the Son knows the Father, and/or as a man knows a woman - a level of intimacy only comparable by the relationship shared by the Trinity. 

That I can feel longing after such a long absence of any emotional feeling, is quite a beautiful revelation. What will this longing change and transform into? 

I am now officially apart of the team "we", although I have already been thinking along the lines of "us" for some time now. We weren't officially bf/gf until this morning, right at midnight. Okay, I admit I was already referring to him as my boyfriend, but how else was I to cut down the time of explaining to friends and family why we weren't official yet? Everything is happening at warp speed factor, but speed seems entirely irrelevant in our situation. It's like we're in our own time bubble, and we're having a heyday of trying to explain it to people around us. I'm having a heyday with self-analysis, but ironically enough, so is he. Half the time I am laughing at the pure irony of the situation. I like to laugh, by the way, but so does he! This is all together a hilarious encounter of sorts. Amen. 

What is trust? I am having a very metaphysical moment and contemplating the aspect of trust. I explicitly trust my heavenly Father but it is something that has had to be challenged repeatedly over time. However, what is the importance of trust in any human relationship? Trust between a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, parent and child, friend and friend, etc. Why is it needed? How does it play out in the grand gesture of our lives? Can trust be faked? Why is it that it takes time to build but seconds to break? Is accountability part of trust? When we don't trust what happens to ourselves? Is something lost when we refuse to trust? Is trust a part of faith? Is it similar or even identical? Is trust a one way street? What does trust do to our humanity, to our individuality? Does God trust us? I know for sure many have difficulty trusting God.

Although I am rather lost about this idea of trust, and a bit confused, one thing I know for sure about trust broken - it is a painful experience. Anyways, away I go with my contemplation of trust.   

You profoundly move me - move my thoughts along in directions I only dreamed of and never thought possible - move me onto a plane of existence I never thought existed. I am humbly amazed that we dream the same dreams and reach for the same goals. My thoughts and ears are blessed as we shift from the language of You&I to the language of Us. I love how we laugh so much, smile so much, and wrap ourselves up in our silliness, but instantaneously break out into meta-talk to discuss the continuing development of our relationship. But most of all, I am drawn in each day by this miracle of you and i. So this is what the Trinity experiences every minute? No wonder they created us :)

Ours is a life that is a prayer in motion. Aspects I've prayed for, actions that I have reflected on are just coming about without even a word to my heavenly Father. But than I realized, we are praying aloud in every action and word that spans between he and I. Relational revelations  are coming about as I share and speak with him, revelations of what a healthy, normal, vibrant relationship should look like. We're both meta-talkers and meta-thinkers so that helps us exponentially.

A thought that we shared this morning: the accumulation of our thoughts will translate into actions when we see each other. That thought really took a hold of some neurones. I am the result of accumulated thoughts both on the physical and metaphysical level - thoughts of my parents and thoughts of my heavenly Father. I also realize that our situation is the accumulation of His thoughts towards us. Of course, I can't help but refer to Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the thoughts I have towards you...thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me will all your heart. I will be found by you...and I will bring you back from your captivity.

Our seeking after Him has resulted in His accumulated thoughts breaking forth in actions towards us. I continue to seek Him with all of my heart, because I want, we want a sure foundation as to this particular path we traverse. What a fascinating thought! Amen. 

It amazes me with what ease we fit into the grooves of each other's mind, and walk paralleling lines of thought. There is no comparison to him in all those around me. I am blessed daily with opening my eyes and mind to his presence, his laughter, his reflective thought and his spiritual connection. I am assured daily of my trust in him as he strives to protectively treasure my worth, my thoughts, my laughter, and my sharing of self with him. It's been a short time, but what is time, when the bones of my being have known him forever? I leave he and I in our Father's care. Amen. 

Words and ideas that fascinate me: space, bones, silence, words, narrative, identity and femininity. I seem to repeatedly come back to these themes in my life, in particular over the last two years. Yes, I am keeping a meta cognitive tab on myself, yes, hilarious. Amen. 

Inspiration hits at the most random moments and in the most random places. For me it's either washing dishes, sitting in a bath, or filing folders in a vault. Yes, random. Many things hit me during those times - blog posting ideas, poems, a conversation starter or finisher with my Father. 

One thought hit me tonight, as I sit on my bed (I know, a new random place) - emotional highs. These intrigue me. Emotional highs are from my younger years (*snort* and yes I am not that old, really, truly), from the times I would have ups and downs in the spiritual or relational areas. In my organic journals, I would find a plethora of periods of great frustration of having come down from an emotional high. Don't get me wrong, emotions are good, but I now realize the value of moderation, or accepting emotional highs in of themselves and appreciating them for the moment they represent and move on. I remember a period in my life when I was involved in so many predating scenes ("many" in my mind), that I was emotionally absent. I could easily say adieu, pack up and go. When I realized the absent emotional state of myself, it was time to take a break. 

That was when I took on the mantle of singleness. I knew I didn't know Jesus that well. I remember in my 29th year swearing off men and diving into the relational space of my Trinity. He broke me but healed me in turn, struck me down but bound me up. In the space of this "almost" two years, I've been mentally, spiritually, physically, and socially prodded and poked, broken and bent, hard-pressed and harried, kneaded and knotted, twisted, twirled, tied up and taken down, but returned faithfully to His presence to be put back together by His hands. I have in my own relational space with myself too much of His peace to doubt what He can do in me and for me. I have heard His voice countlessly to know He is Here. I know exactly what He thinks of me. 

I am beginning to tread a new path, a new narrative with another voice that is similar in stance but definitely not my own. I am curious to hear his back story, but also curious to see where our dialogue will go. And of course, I am most curious of how the Narrator will write this particular tale of ours. Amen. 

I thought this blog post so beautifully wonderful, and well, something I myself am going through :)

Now I remember why I embraced "no expectations"...I would always show up and no one would be there. This is only too poignant as I wait for people to get back to me about this practice. Out of 5 people and only 1 gets back to me. Jesus, thank You for being my calm. Amen!

The last 24 hours have been a mashup of emotional thoughts. I haven't felt this emotion of "worry" in a long time. I guess it comes about with not knowing. All past relationships (the official and the predating phase) have been from relatively "normal" (right, so when is anything normal in this life time?) to down right freaky. Throw in there family reactions to those relationships and one would understand the word "worry".

So, as I was filing this morning, listening to spiritually thought provoking music, His words came to me: "...for a tree is known by its fruit" (Matthew 12:33), and than He said, "haven't I protected you in each situation? Haven't I walked through with you each time?" Yes, Beloved, You have walked with me in each situation, and yes, I came to know the character of each guy by how he treated (the fruit) me, and how he treated himself. 

I am trusting Him in this situation, waiting to see how He will reveal His thoughts (Jer.29:11) towards me concerning this person. Amen. 

So I was told I have a theme of "no expectations" in my life, and of course, that causes me to reflect on where that actually came from. When I internally reflect I realize it's been happening all of my life - expectations from and of friends, family, classmates, and yes, etc. I guess there was a point that I became tired of being disappointed. I was tired of letting that disappointment of getting in the way of living life. Somehow, I think I've been cultivating a positive attitude all my life (and yes, I do not get that half-empty half-full analogy), and having expectations got in the way of that positiveness. It's a thought I will continue to contemplate. Amen. 

What I say in the yesterdays is not necessarily what I think today. I am perpetually growing. However, I do realize there are tangible truths that I do continue to hold fast to despite thoughts or words spoken. One thing that will never change is the love of my Beloved towards me. I praise and bless Him for this, for I will continue to grow, strongly rooting my way into the very nooks and crannies of His being. To me this is absolutely beauty, absolute peace and security. I am His seed and He is my soil. Amen!

There are no words to describe what is going on internally as I sit here on my way home away from him. I miss him terribly. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. I miss his smile, his laugh, his random or purposed words to me, his thoughts about the complexities and simplicities of life, holding his hand and his presence. I miss him. I never thought I'd miss someone like this, but missing him isn't so bad knowing that he misses me the same way and  for the same reasons. As we parted ways this morning we gave each other a tangible something of our thoughts towards each other. Me, a note, and he, *laugh* his bow tie. He promised that he'd come back for it. He basically gave me a piece of himself to me, a piece of his essence. I get the connection, but I won't share, because that connection is just for me just from him. As we parted he said, "this is going to be an interesting adventure!" Amen. 

Another thing to learn while being together is learning to let go. This is difficult. It's a mentality of giving over to my Beloved each day the unknown of him, the one I am with, to know I will not fully know him as my Beloved knows him. But I think the key to this adventure is embracing the moment of the day - listening with a true ear to his words, letting go of expectations, embracing all joy and pain that may come from those true words, being excited about journeying with this new companion, and delighting in the discoveries we find together. I guess I am trying to have this mentality as I begin this adventure with someone who is ironically, like me. Amen. 

I want it to be different this time around. I don't want any hoopla. I don't want any immaturity. I want lots of laughter and honesty. I want a little flirting. I want lots of face time. I want us to be us to each other's hearts. I want a best friend. I want to be excited with him on whatever quest we partake in. I want to pray with him. I want to see the little boy in him. I want him to see the little girl in me. I want to share Jesus with him in my own way and I want him to share Jesus with me in his own way. I want to be wooed. I want to love him as I have been loved by my Beloved. I want to know his every flaw and yet still love and respect him. Jesus, unless you build this relationship, we build in vain and unless You guard this relationship, we continue on in vain (Psalms 127:1). Amen. 

I call it the new adventure, and I am praying that though it be new, it will be an adventure of a life time, an adventure I will take part of each day. I'm not thinking ahead to months and years, not even to weeks, but to the here and now. I've lived too much in the "down the road" moments, and not enough of the "here and now" clips of time. As I am beginning to learn, having no expectations is always a good thing. Expectations are tied up in the tomorrows, but no expectations is all about living in the present minute. I was looking for a good time, and instead I found a treasure-trove of possibilities. It's always intriguing how my Beloved moves - in most mysterious ways. Amen. 

Is this rash? Is this too soon? I believe she speaks wisdom but I know I want to go ahead with my spontaneous action regardless. Out of respect I refrain. Amen. 

I haven't written much about children because I haven't given it much thought, and in all honesty, I equate having children with having a husband. Why think about something in the future when I am not even there. But tonight, I reflect deeply on my unseen children. I want to have fun with my kids. I want to embark on weird, wacky and "worthless" missions not only for nostalgic adulthood material, but to realize life is about the journey and not the destination. I want to sky gaze with them - watch passing clouds, see falling stars, get eyefuls of constellations. I want to structure them as my Beloved has structured me. But what I want most is a man who wants to join in on these adventures, spin his own versions of wonderful wackiness, and worth into these children. So, now you know when I think of my husband, I instantly think of my children - the literal bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. Amen. 

Had another poignant moment with a friend this morning. She always drops gems of wisdom that after sometime of holding onto, dissipates in my blood stream and changes the course of my personal narrative. In the course of each male friendship/relationship, I've had something of an imagination as to how things would turn out. Simply put, I had expectations. I was always wanting to get ahead to the next stop in the journey rather than focus on the foot steps of the moment. Unfortunately, I stumbled a lot and I never made it to the next part of the journey. I had expectations, and they were never fulfilled, because truthfully, they were fiction. I struggled with spinning a narrative with the guy I was involved with or was getting to know. Simply put, I was selfish, afraid, self-protective. I was also clueless. I am at times, still clueless, but I am definitely taking more cues from my Beloved. I am no longer rushing into each and every guy situation. I am loving where my 30s are taking me as an individually minded woman. Of course, I still hope. That's to be expected, but I now walk in this moment. In a sense, I've lost the vision of tomorrow.  Amen. 

I know I write a lot about men. I apologize. I apologize not only to those who read this but I apologize to myself. I suppose I am writing about a mystery, and I am trying to understand the mystery without having any real exposure to it - hence it is a mystery. I suppose if I was dating or even married, I'd be writing from an entirely different angle. When children enter the picture, I'd be writing about them too. I suppose I don't really have to apologize. My heavenly Daddy is a He, so really I am always going to write about men!

In rare moments, I will look into the mirror and a child stares back. I know that "man-child" has been coined for men, but I have yet to hear it for women, but whatever the case, there are times I feel, I know, that I am a woman-child. My body is old but my spirit young, and as I look into that mirror I see the beauty and terror of life walk the circumference of my view. I feel like a child, and I see the world as one massive play school pen, where aged children play and fight. And than the thought scales my mind - children having children. It boggles my membrane, it truly does. Additionally, has anyone ever bestowed the title of "wise" upon a child? We are delightfully carefree, or either ridiculously selfish, and I don't even know if those two trains of thought are even accurate. And again, a child marrying a child, my poor baffled brain! These two children are a scaled down version of the playpen world around them - will they play or will they fight? Perhaps a bit of both? As I contemplate all of this I am brought back to my Parentage. I accepted the Paternal right of my heavenly Daddy, and I know He is bringing me up well. So, it would make complete sense that my Father would put me with someone who has also accepted Divine Paternal right of our Father. I want to play more so than fight with my life long friend. Amen.  

" I can't imagine myself with him" has been one particular energetic thought running through the corridor's of my mind today. I've imagined myself with every guy I've been involved with, imagined marriage, imagined the possibility, and that imagination never produced results. And now, I say this more so, because I can't imagine myself with him - I can't see the future. I've stopped imagining and have begun living in the moment. I have today, but tomorrow is in my Beloved's hands. What I want is irrelevant to tomorrow, but what I need is here in today. I can't  imagine myself with him, because whatever is in tomorrow is beyond imagination, tomorrow is in the palm of His hand. I am reminded of these words: Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain (Psalms 127:1). I imagine in vain! He is building up whatever needs to be built, and I rest easy in the fact He is building this relationship, not I! Amen. 

As I contemplate this guy situation, I am repeatedly reminded of the parallel to my relationship with Jesus. Every time I reflect on how the situation is spinning out into my life, I am reminded of His thoughts towards me. In the near future I will be visiting a particular individual, and I do admit that I contemplate where will we go once we've met. I know I can go the distance (physically and metaphysically), but I am logical about this possible commitment. I am aware of the financial state of this individual since he is a student. The question that arises in my mind is, I can make the distance, but does he want me to make it? But than He pops into my mind and says, "I'm here despite the distance, just turn around and see Me."

The Lover of my soul always has words for me concerning this situation, the operative being always. He not only speaks to me about this matter, but He also always moves in mysterious ways. Just the other day, I had to put a question to this individual, but I didn't know how to word it, and instead this individual asked me the question. Talk about moving mysteriously in a tremendous way! Every moment with this individual is God-led, God-designed, and God-inspired. I am reminded repeatedly that I am here to enjoy the journey, and at times I don't even think of the designation. I am reminded of the strength of my Beloved Jesus and His bountiful grace, mercy and patience towards me, and it is no wonder that I love Him so. I love Him because He first loved me and each day He pours out His love onto me! Amen. 

It happens every week, and the entire experience I equate to sitting on the edge of my seat and waiting. Of course, I have no idea what I am waiting for, but it happens every week. It's a repeated cycle of - there's a connection with this particular guy and I wait for something else to happen, anticipation begins to germinate but as the week progresses, silence and I let go of that anticipation and give over all thoughts, hopes, and excitement into my Beloved's hands. It's the only way I keep sane, but also grow at the same time. I don't give up, that I learned a few months ago, but I have learned I am being torn (but He will heal), I am being stricken (but He will bind me up) [Hosea 6:1]. The only thing I can compare it to is the crushing of a rose so that the fullest of its fragrance is expelled to its surroundings. But I praise Him, because I am not my own, and my time is not mine, and my will and act is not mine to direct - for it is God who works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13). You have no idea how much comfort I take in those Words to me for I know what He says will be accomplished because - the Words that go out of His mouth will not return to HIm empty, but will accomplish what He desires and achieves the purpose from which He sends it (Isaiah 55:11). I am His daughter, His Treasure, His Precious One - truly I am in the Best Hands. Amen. 

My Beloved has yet again taken my foolish mind and revealed to it a raindrop of wisdom that will last me a life time - the blessing of knowing a man comes with each encounter, not after dating, and not after the wedding bells, but here in the moment of interchanging thoughts put into words and actions. My Beloved took my runaway, self-indulgent self and said, "Daughter, slow down, be at peace, be still and know this man", and the more I come to know my Beloved, the more I come to know this man. Now that He's creeps me along this path, I am seeing the slight rustle of this thought or the minuscule movement of that motion. He is absorbing me into His timing, and I know without any doubt, when it is finished, it will beautiful! AMEN!

The art of writing letters is dead. No one can write about their day with the zeal of complete abandonment to the pure artistic form of words. To write words to someone that bump along with rhythm and although prose, could perhaps be mistaken for poetry, a picture painted with words. A well written letter is treasured and pulled out repeatedly to be read, mulled over, laughed over, sorrowed over - its words resonating to the core of the reader. I miss well written letters...

The art of writing letters is dead, or so I thought. The other day I received an email that I gobbled up immediately, because, well, it's from a highly favoured individual. However, as I reread the email to eventually compose a response, I paused. I was struck by the greeting, and I mulled on that for a few hours. I returned to reread and put down my response, and my attention was arrested by the clever wording and poetic rhythm of those words - and than a greater revelation struck me - this was a well written letter!

I scanned through the words, finding a beautiful rhythm of prose that felt to me as poetry, and I fell in love. What beauty! What magnificent composition! Long has it been since my eyes have rested upon words that entrapped my imagination! And truly, what a blessing! So I pause, and pray that I can pen a worthy response. Amen!

In the right moment, the highest compliment a man can give to a woman is by calling her "precious daughter of God." He has evaluated her true value but also recognizes the relationship she has with her heavenly Daddy and respects and honours that daughter/Father relationship! This morning, I had the wonderful pleasure of being called such by an extraordinary son of God, and as I've mediated on that greeting, I've come to realize that's the most beautifully pure compliment I've ever received! Don't tell me I look great today, don't tell me that dress or that whatever looks great on me, don't thank for this or that - say, "Good morning, precious daughter of God". AMEN!

The one thing that I absolutely love about my relationship with Jesus is His stellar sense of humour!! He knows exactly what to do or say to make me laugh! It's not just that I know that He loves me, He's gracious towards me, He's forgiving and faithful, but that He's also so personal! This is how well He knows me...He can put a smile on my face and give me laughter for my soul. Amen!! 

Beloved Jesus,

I pray for my future husband, wherever he is in the world right now. Prepare me to become the kind of bride he will need when we come together. Until You make me ready for him, let the only intimate relationship I seek be with You. Blind my eyes from wanting any other man than the one You have for me. Remove all men in my life who may keep me from recognizing him. Give me wisdom to seek what is pure and right in Your sight while I wait for him. Put such a deep passion in my heart for my purpose that I won’t be distracted or discouraged from pursuing all that You have for me. Deliver me from the traps of the enemy, and train me now to resist temptation. Keep me from falling into a counterfeit  relationship, and give me the strength not to settle for second best. Give me the stamina to run this “singles” race until I cross the finish line and receive his heart – and Your blessing – as the prize. Amen. (Sheri Rose Shepherd)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and seek not your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path. Proverbs 3:5,6

A friend shared with me today, A Prayer for Singles by Sheri Rose Shepherd, and when I went looking for it online, I came across her website, His Princess Ministries, and discovered instead another prayer:

 My Princess… MY CHOSEN ONE I chose you before the foundation of the earth to be My princess. You are royalty even when you don’t feel like a princess and I will wait for you until you are ready to start living the amazing plans I have for you. I know you don’t know where to begin or how to become what I’ve called you to be, so let Me teach you day by day. Start by recognizing who I am: King of kings and Lord of lords. The Lover of your soul. When the two of us meet alone together every day, I will show you how to let go of the things in your life that are holding you back from the blessings I want to give you. Remember, My child, just as I have chosen you, I have given you a choice to represent Me to the world. If you are willing, I am here to give you all you need to complete your calling. Love, Your King and Lord who chose you.

Amen!

Over the last several days, I have been  inadvertently encouraged to embrace my season of singleness. After listening to two accounts of older women finally meeting their significant others at a much later point in their lives, I am realizing I need to fully utilize this season of singleness, and ask my Beloved what He wants to accomplish in me at this time. I know for sure that one aspect I am beginning to realize more fully and taking steps to put into motion is my Christ-centred femininity. I am exploring what that truly means, and as I spend more time in His presence, I come away knowing that I am beautiful, I am loved and I am treasured. Knowing this causes me to act a certain way, to reveal that I am Christ-inspired woman! Amen.   

Praising my Jesus this morning, because He is again taking a hold of my fallen heart and yet again, transplanting His Most Beautiful Heart into me. I thank You Beloved, that You, within hours can take hold of my confusion, my accelerating thoughts, and cool and calm the inferno of my soul.All my love to You in this day! Amen.  

...aaaaannnnndddd, another guy situation comes about and I am just confused...and of course, meditating and praying about this new situation. UGH!

We as women walk relational minefields. Every guy is a possible relationship, and since, for the most part, women are quite flexible, we really have to weigh our options, but a Christian woman   will just get on her knees and pray her heart and soul out for direction and guidance - like I am doing right now. Amen. 

Truly, at times it is not about the destination, but about the journey. This week, my Beloved challenged me to not interact with this guy, but just praise into the silence He had created for me, and to keep giving this guy situation into His Most Mighty Hands. As a woman who realizes it's part of her fallen nature to talk, to gab, to have that need of information at her finger tips as a form of control, silence is what my Beloved Jesus ordained for me this week. In all of this, He loved me most tenderly, most consistently, and most vocally. This entire week as I kept coming to Him about this guy, He kept coming to me about His thoughts towards me. Is it no coincidence that I am falling in Love? Each time I kept challenging Him with this situation, kept bringing into His presence in my open hands this guy, my feelings, these thoughts, His own thoughts towards me, He strongly repeated His love for me in a plethora of ways and words.

So as I sat at the base of a waterfall this evening, looking up at the sun sliding behind lip of the river above, feel the spray of the waterfall, and just reflect on my feelings about this guy, He, of course, told me that He's just as crazy for me, and what I feel, He feels a thousand times over. And in that moment, I realized that each time He breathes, I breathe. He inhales and exhales, and I inhale and exhale.

I came to the end of this week, trusting in my Beloved Jesus and His handling of the heart He's transplanted in me. It's His heart that pumps throughout my entire system His Life. I came home at peace with the rhythm He's placed me in. I came home and opened my laptop and found an email from this guy. And as silly as it may sound, I literally fell on the floor and worshipped my God, my Savior, my Lover, who at the end of the week, gave me His answer.

I haven't opened the email yet. It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Amen. 

I think I am starting to think along the lines of fellow blogger, The Ruthless Monk, when listening to the lyrical  part of the Christian pop culture, I unintentionally switch to analytical mode. Ever so often the English Lit/Library switch just goes off. On my drive to work this morning, I was tuned into the local Christian vibe, listening in particular to the song by Royal Tailor "Hold me together" and couldn't help but disagree with the lyrics. Maybe I've come a long way in my walk with Jesus lately, but the main idea behind the words, Can you hold me together, Can your love reach down this far, Can you hold me together, Cause without you holding my heart, I'm falling apart, falling apart" just doesn't cut it for me any more.

Hasn't this guy ever read Ezekial 36:26,27? I'm not promised a patchwork heart but a new heart! And yes, I have to ask for that new heart everyday, to fully realize it is truly mine. But the thing is, it's not even my heart - I am promised the heart of my Beloved Jesus. I get His heart, and His heart is definitely not falling apart. But I realize that not everyone is at that point of asking for His heart on a daily basis. There was a time that I did ask that He patchwork my heart, and I was satisfied with the quilt work, and I'd be on my way. However, to ask for a new heart, His heart requires intimacy, and in turn a willing spirit to allow Him to be the Potter and really smooth out those lumps and bumps in our clay-like spirit.

I've come to that place where dear ol' Fanny was when she penned the words, Take the world and give me Jesus, all its joys are but a name, but His love abideth ever, Through eternal years the same. "Through eternal years the same" - before time was marked, I was in the heart of My Beloved Jesus. In a sense, I've stopped falling, I've stopped breaking, and now I am just living and breathing in the heart of my Eternal Lover. Amen! 

Claimed Isaiah 64:4,5 this morning and continuing to affirm throughout the day:

For since the beginning of the world Men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, Nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. You meet him who rejoices and does righteousness,Who remembers You in Your ways....

These verses I keep coming back to as I wait patiently for my Beloved to move for me with concerns to this current guy situation. I have never been so strongly impressed to wait, pray and praise, in particular, to praise. My sense of helplessness in this situation is so evident to me, but not hopeless, that's for sure. I am to remember my Beloved's ways, and know He is moving the wheelwork in the cosmos for me in this situation. Though I may not be able to see, taste, touch, or feel those wheelworks, I know He's put them in motion.Amen. 

This afternoon, I was asked - who do you stand for, yourself or others? After a particularly deep conversation with a coworker this morning, I am left wondering - why am I in the positions that I am? Why am I working in the particular place that I am working at, and why am I living where I am, and why do I know the particular people that I know? And it hit me - I have been placed here. I have been given this assignment, this spiritual posting, and it's not just to affect the people around me, to get on my knees and lift them up into Your Divine presence, but it is also to change me.

My mission is here in this present, where I am called to wade through paper work, cut through legality, speak to the hearts of the people who work in this concrete jungle. And speaking to these hearts, I am Spoken To. I realized I am called to this when this morning, I heard the yearning of my coworker's voice to know You, but not knowing that it is You he desires. Beloved, thank you for taking my hand and walking this land. Amen.  

My God truly moves in mysterious ways! Last week, I sent up a prayer request about a particular trip this fall, and needed circumstances for this trip to happen in a particular way. Well, He answered on Saturday, but it wasn't until today as I was praying and reflecting that I realized that the prayer was answered. It's kind of funny. I wasn't looking for an answer to my prayer, or I should say, I didn't have expectations. I had no idea how He would answer, and I even told Him I would have no expectations. But I knew somehow, some way, He'd provide a way.

That's the intriguing part about "no expectations" - one is pleasantly surprised, amused or even intrigued by how He moves when He does. I think that'll be my new motto for this entire guy situation - expect nothing! Amen!

I know You're here, Beloved, but sometimes, I forget what it means to embrace the ache that is within this heart and soul. I've forgotten that I cannot deny it, hide from it or ignore it. This ache is a permanent fixture of my shell on this side of heaven and it stems from wanting a pursuing awareness of Your presence in my life to wanting to be with the other side of me - the side I definitely don't understand and am definitely perplexed by.

Beloved, I've never asked You what I should do concerning my other side. Should I sit and wait? Should I pray and wait? Should I move and pray? What is Your heart's desire in this matter? Amen. 

One aspect of being His Child is being helpless. Helplessness is defined as unable to defend oneself or to act without help. One aspect of realizing I am broken is knowing I am helpless. At times I feel like a soul drifting out into space, but in reality I am quite anchored to my Beloved's soul - I just don't feel it at times, but I know I am anchored to Him. For you see, I am engraved on the palms of His hands and daily I know as He raises His hands to intercede for me, our Father can see my name on my Beloved's uplifted hands. Every time, my sweet Jesus looks at His hands, He sees me - all of me. He sees the depth of my soul, the breadth of my character, the temporariness of this body - all of me is seen in the cut and healed grooves on His hands. Amen. 

How willing am I to be weak? How willing am I to be broken, or vulnerable or entirely and utterly dependent upon my Heavenly Daddy?

Just now I was thinking of future plans, plans that I would put into motion that would bypass earthly troubles, plans that would allow me control, plans that would manipulate the outcome the way I want it, and Beloved, Your Spirit spoke to my rebellion, my faltering plans and told my troubled mind, Leave it to Me, If it is according to My Plan for you, I will bring all things together - Peace, be still, and know that I am your Creator.

My Love, thank You for quieting the troubled waters of my soul, For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. (Is. 64:4) 

Amen!! 

Last night was packed full of His revealing His thoughts towards me, and what a tremendous blessing! Several things He asked me if I am willing to be - to be His child, to be weak and to be broken. He asked me if I am willing to be broken of self, to wean me of destructive bad habits. He asked me if I am willing to be weak, to let go of the need for knowledge - knowledge that would give me power to continue in my bad habits. He also asked me if I am willing to be His Child, to let Him, my Divine Daddy to take care of me and take care of the situation, let Him actually be my Abba, my Heavenly Daddy.

And of course, Him asking me of these three things makes me stop and realize, I've been calling Him Father, but I haven't really been acting like His Child - His Child, who is weak, dependent, trusting, and delighting in her Heavenly Daddy, and delighting in Him not because of what He's given me or giving me but simply, because He's my Daddy.

So, my Beloved, I thank You for Your Spirit which is upon me, and that Your words which You've put in my mouth You will not take out of my mouth, but will be with me forever (Is. 59:21). In this silence, I come to You praising! Amen. 

There's something to be said of silence. I feel akin to Elijah as he ran for his life into a storm, into a whirlwind and than into a cave, only to encounter a still small quiet Voice. I don't understand why I am being called to silence, but it is happening nonetheless. In this particular silence, my Love, I am lifting up my voice in praise for the opportunity to reflect during this time of no conversation, no connection. There's a reason for everything under the sun, and You alone possess the answer. And so I trust in You, because I am Your child, Your infant. For You say to me:

Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger. Psalms 8:2

In this matter, out of my mouth You will speak Your strength, and I shall be silent. Amen.

So many thoughts are running through my head this morning; "abiding in His presence", " walking in His presence" walking on Sacred Ground throughout the day", are just to name a few.

Jesus, what is going on?! Something is going on in the supernatural realm that's filtering down to me, because I have never been so connected to You in the last two weeks. It is magnificently amazing! I've never prayed so much, never been so much at peace, never been so blessed, never been so imbued by the Spirit - it's been one massive spiritual gift after another. But it's not about the gift, or the blessing or even the peace, it's been about living in Your presence; it's been about waiting in Your presence - waiting in the context of my life's co-pilot.

But I don't feel like I am waiting, that's the truly astounding part. Any time the old woman within reaches out with her snarly fingers, Spirit, You are there to remind me of my weakness, of my insufficiencies, of my infancy. This constant remembrance causes me to renew and continue the Words You give me that affirm Your presence. Holy Spirit, as I wait on You, You fill me! Thank You! Amen!

There is nothing comparable in the world than to encounter a person who not only believes but intimately knows You. I am reading through 1 John 1:1-4 this moment:

That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of life— 2 the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us— 3 that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. 4 And these things we write to you that your joy may be full.

John was trying to convey to those he was writing the full intimacy of knowing You and also trying to conclude that by knowing You, their joy would be completed as his was. There is nothing more contagious than someone who has love and joy written all over their faces and actions from their daily encounters with You. Amen! 

I am still praying and reflecting on Him in this situation but it is becoming easier. I believe the pattern has been set - that I am weak, He is strong; I don't know where this will go, but He does. Daily I have to remind myself this. Amen!

I know I am a child of God, and I take that self awareness quite seriously. It is the driving purpose of my life to be His child, and even though I am in a "grown-up" world, I know I am just a child. So, as His child, there are times I feel like the relationships around me are play blocks - those classic wooden blocks that all children are familiar with. Each block I have in my hand is red, and when all the blocks are put together, they form a heart.

So, at the moment, I have a particular shade of red blocks before me, and I don't know how to put it together. But luckily, I have a Mighty Heavenly Daddy who has put this heart together, and He's kneeling beside me and looking at the blocks with me. He smiles at me. He's already taken the first two blocks and put them together. I hold up the ruby red block in my hand to Him. He takes it and fits with another block from the pile.

It's comforting to sit in His presence and share the building of this ruby red heart with Him. Amen!

Everyday, as I strive in communion with You, Beloved, I uplift my heart into Your hands. I give into Your keeping my heart but also my thoughts, my wishes, my desires. Although these wishes and desires are similar to Yours, they are not parallel because I am a fallible creator, who, if given free reign, will try to accomplish these items on her own and fail miserably. You've given me the wonderful gift of free will, and I cannot help myself but to return that gift to You, the One who loved me into existence.

Yesterday, Jesus, You revealed to me Isaiah 53:11, telling me that I am the labour of Your soul and that You are satisfied with me. You are wholeheartedly satisfied in me, and You are teaching me to be wholeheartedly satisfied in You.

As I give into Your keeping this guy situation, I am minutely reminded of what You are teaching me. For example, as I wait in anticipation for an email, a form of reaching out, I am reminded that You wait in anticipation for me to reach out to You. I find it amazing, as I reflect, that by waiting for him, I am waiting for You. Prayer and thoughtful interaction with him reflects back onto You. Beloved, I am humbled by Your minute attention to these details and throughout the day remind me of Your thoughts towards me. Amen!

A cautiously praying man is an individual who knows who he is in Christ. He is a Christ-focused man, and because he strives to become what he beholds, he will pursue the mind of Christ, and to do that requires an attitude of cautiousness and thoughtful prayer because he desires to know the mind of his Best Friend, his Creator, and his Savior.

 Beloved, You’ve led me into the presence of such a man, and I am profoundly humbled by this revelation. I am not concerned with marriage, or what I might get from these encounters, but I exceedingly glad that I have the opportunity to become friends with such a man as this, a man who thoughtfully seeks Your face each day. Here is my brother, a friend who willingly shares His daily encounters with You. I thank You for this tremendous blessing of just knowing this individual. Amen!

Beloved, I praise Your Holy and Most Righteously Loving Name! You have brought me into the presence of a righteous man, a man who knows his own mind, a man who knows who he is in You! Amen!!

There is a reason for everything under the sun. However, not all reason is divulged at the moment of the happening. Only the Father knows, why situations, circumstances, happenings unfold the way they do, and it is perhaps months or years before the reason behind how and why it unfolds the way it does is revealed.

I am a very analytical person, and by the grace of God, Jesus has moulded that analytical self back to reflect on Him through prayer. In this particular situation I find myself in, I am always asking why - why is the communication happening in this form? Why is my impatience being tried and whittled down? Why is he this way? Why, why and more whys! But it's not just the whys, but how I am responding in this situation. I haven't jumped in whole-heartedly, but am praying. I am praying. I Am Praying. PRAYING! This is the first guy situation I've consciously prayed in, and I am praying because I don't know. I am praying because my previous guy interested interactions have been destructive. I am praying because my Beloved Jesus is the only one who can intervene, intercede, build and mend. I am called to pray, to be silent and know He is God!! But the thing is, He's asking me to pray!

My Constant Companion is directing me to lift up my voice to Him in praise and petition in this particular guy situation. Knowing this moves me, flows me back into the Heart of my Creator and there is something charmingly graceful about how He handles me. Yes, He handles me, because I am a woman, delicate and fierce, and I love how He handles my heart with utmost sweet gentleness which in turn binds me to His Heart, draws me yearningly into His presence to His side. Amen!!

Came back from my first women's retreat ever, and it was fantastically wonderful! I will definitely be attending next year. What I came away learning is that I am a Praising Princess, and of course, these aspects do not come naturally to me, but nonetheless, my Beloved wants this for me; to slip on the royal praise robe He asks to put on me each day. He stands there every morning, holding up this glorious colourfully shimmering layered robe, ready to slip it on over my shoulders and belt the gorgeous fabric around me. Holy Spirit, remind me to stop and let my Beloved robe me in. Amen. 

I am full of themes today. Another thought that popped into my overactive mind in the last 10 minutes has been the value of me. I am reminded of Matthew 13:45, 46:

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.

This verse has obvious applications, but right now I am looking at the unobvious narrative, because this is my narrative. Beloved, You search after me, the pearl of great price, which You did sell everything to purchase me. The question You pose to me is, am I willing to be found? Am I will to be searched for? I realize in the past, I would throw my idea of what my value was at anyone, when in essence it devalued me.

So, as I adhere to silence in the matter of the other, I pause and reflect on this new thought, the importance of being found. Amen. 

A theme that was just revealed to me through Zephaniah 3:14-16, and Ezekial 36:25, 29, 31, is that You, Beloved clean me even before I knew I was clean. But being clean is only by realizing I am clean and that of course comes by sitting in Your presence everyday and hearing You call me clean. I am weak, and I am human and so I know I will forget. I have been promised that I am clean, but realizing that promise, enduring in that promise (Hebrews 10:36), only comes from dwelling in the promise and the promise is Your Word, and Your Word is You. Amen.

This morning I wanted to know Your thoughts towards me, so I read Zephaniah 3:17, You said to me:

I rejoice over you with gladness, I quiet you with My love, and I rejoice over you with singing.

So, I looked at the word rejoice and I also looked at the word gladness. Here's the quirky part, the word rejoice and gladness mean the same thing...well, basically. Rejoice means: to show delight. Gladness means: delighted. So, Jesus, because You delight in me, You show Your delight towards me in double portion. That delight is Your calming love towards me, and to emphasize that delight, I have the absolute pleasure of listening to You sing to me of that quiet love. The thing is, as I sit at Your feet, I can hear the song and I can see Your expression and it is so astonishingly beautiful!! This part of Zephaniah 3 is becoming a favorite, and I know I will be reflecting on this part of the love letter throughout the day. Amen.