How willing am I to be weak? How willing am I to be broken, or vulnerable or entirely and utterly dependent upon my Heavenly Daddy?

Just now I was thinking of future plans, plans that I would put into motion that would bypass earthly troubles, plans that would allow me control, plans that would manipulate the outcome the way I want it, and Beloved, Your Spirit spoke to my rebellion, my faltering plans and told my troubled mind, Leave it to Me, If it is according to My Plan for you, I will bring all things together - Peace, be still, and know that I am your Creator.

My Love, thank You for quieting the troubled waters of my soul, For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. (Is. 64:4) 

Amen!! 

Last night was packed full of His revealing His thoughts towards me, and what a tremendous blessing! Several things He asked me if I am willing to be - to be His child, to be weak and to be broken. He asked me if I am willing to be broken of self, to wean me of destructive bad habits. He asked me if I am willing to be weak, to let go of the need for knowledge - knowledge that would give me power to continue in my bad habits. He also asked me if I am willing to be His Child, to let Him, my Divine Daddy to take care of me and take care of the situation, let Him actually be my Abba, my Heavenly Daddy.

And of course, Him asking me of these three things makes me stop and realize, I've been calling Him Father, but I haven't really been acting like His Child - His Child, who is weak, dependent, trusting, and delighting in her Heavenly Daddy, and delighting in Him not because of what He's given me or giving me but simply, because He's my Daddy.

So, my Beloved, I thank You for Your Spirit which is upon me, and that Your words which You've put in my mouth You will not take out of my mouth, but will be with me forever (Is. 59:21). In this silence, I come to You praising! Amen. 

There's something to be said of silence. I feel akin to Elijah as he ran for his life into a storm, into a whirlwind and than into a cave, only to encounter a still small quiet Voice. I don't understand why I am being called to silence, but it is happening nonetheless. In this particular silence, my Love, I am lifting up my voice in praise for the opportunity to reflect during this time of no conversation, no connection. There's a reason for everything under the sun, and You alone possess the answer. And so I trust in You, because I am Your child, Your infant. For You say to me:

Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger. Psalms 8:2

In this matter, out of my mouth You will speak Your strength, and I shall be silent. Amen.

So many thoughts are running through my head this morning; "abiding in His presence", " walking in His presence" walking on Sacred Ground throughout the day", are just to name a few.

Jesus, what is going on?! Something is going on in the supernatural realm that's filtering down to me, because I have never been so connected to You in the last two weeks. It is magnificently amazing! I've never prayed so much, never been so much at peace, never been so blessed, never been so imbued by the Spirit - it's been one massive spiritual gift after another. But it's not about the gift, or the blessing or even the peace, it's been about living in Your presence; it's been about waiting in Your presence - waiting in the context of my life's co-pilot.

But I don't feel like I am waiting, that's the truly astounding part. Any time the old woman within reaches out with her snarly fingers, Spirit, You are there to remind me of my weakness, of my insufficiencies, of my infancy. This constant remembrance causes me to renew and continue the Words You give me that affirm Your presence. Holy Spirit, as I wait on You, You fill me! Thank You! Amen!

There is nothing comparable in the world than to encounter a person who not only believes but intimately knows You. I am reading through 1 John 1:1-4 this moment:

That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of life— 2 the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us— 3 that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. 4 And these things we write to you that your joy may be full.

John was trying to convey to those he was writing the full intimacy of knowing You and also trying to conclude that by knowing You, their joy would be completed as his was. There is nothing more contagious than someone who has love and joy written all over their faces and actions from their daily encounters with You. Amen! 

I am still praying and reflecting on Him in this situation but it is becoming easier. I believe the pattern has been set - that I am weak, He is strong; I don't know where this will go, but He does. Daily I have to remind myself this. Amen!

I know I am a child of God, and I take that self awareness quite seriously. It is the driving purpose of my life to be His child, and even though I am in a "grown-up" world, I know I am just a child. So, as His child, there are times I feel like the relationships around me are play blocks - those classic wooden blocks that all children are familiar with. Each block I have in my hand is red, and when all the blocks are put together, they form a heart.

So, at the moment, I have a particular shade of red blocks before me, and I don't know how to put it together. But luckily, I have a Mighty Heavenly Daddy who has put this heart together, and He's kneeling beside me and looking at the blocks with me. He smiles at me. He's already taken the first two blocks and put them together. I hold up the ruby red block in my hand to Him. He takes it and fits with another block from the pile.

It's comforting to sit in His presence and share the building of this ruby red heart with Him. Amen!

Everyday, as I strive in communion with You, Beloved, I uplift my heart into Your hands. I give into Your keeping my heart but also my thoughts, my wishes, my desires. Although these wishes and desires are similar to Yours, they are not parallel because I am a fallible creator, who, if given free reign, will try to accomplish these items on her own and fail miserably. You've given me the wonderful gift of free will, and I cannot help myself but to return that gift to You, the One who loved me into existence.

Yesterday, Jesus, You revealed to me Isaiah 53:11, telling me that I am the labour of Your soul and that You are satisfied with me. You are wholeheartedly satisfied in me, and You are teaching me to be wholeheartedly satisfied in You.

As I give into Your keeping this guy situation, I am minutely reminded of what You are teaching me. For example, as I wait in anticipation for an email, a form of reaching out, I am reminded that You wait in anticipation for me to reach out to You. I find it amazing, as I reflect, that by waiting for him, I am waiting for You. Prayer and thoughtful interaction with him reflects back onto You. Beloved, I am humbled by Your minute attention to these details and throughout the day remind me of Your thoughts towards me. Amen!

A cautiously praying man is an individual who knows who he is in Christ. He is a Christ-focused man, and because he strives to become what he beholds, he will pursue the mind of Christ, and to do that requires an attitude of cautiousness and thoughtful prayer because he desires to know the mind of his Best Friend, his Creator, and his Savior.

 Beloved, You’ve led me into the presence of such a man, and I am profoundly humbled by this revelation. I am not concerned with marriage, or what I might get from these encounters, but I exceedingly glad that I have the opportunity to become friends with such a man as this, a man who thoughtfully seeks Your face each day. Here is my brother, a friend who willingly shares His daily encounters with You. I thank You for this tremendous blessing of just knowing this individual. Amen!

Beloved, I praise Your Holy and Most Righteously Loving Name! You have brought me into the presence of a righteous man, a man who knows his own mind, a man who knows who he is in You! Amen!!

There is a reason for everything under the sun. However, not all reason is divulged at the moment of the happening. Only the Father knows, why situations, circumstances, happenings unfold the way they do, and it is perhaps months or years before the reason behind how and why it unfolds the way it does is revealed.

I am a very analytical person, and by the grace of God, Jesus has moulded that analytical self back to reflect on Him through prayer. In this particular situation I find myself in, I am always asking why - why is the communication happening in this form? Why is my impatience being tried and whittled down? Why is he this way? Why, why and more whys! But it's not just the whys, but how I am responding in this situation. I haven't jumped in whole-heartedly, but am praying. I am praying. I Am Praying. PRAYING! This is the first guy situation I've consciously prayed in, and I am praying because I don't know. I am praying because my previous guy interested interactions have been destructive. I am praying because my Beloved Jesus is the only one who can intervene, intercede, build and mend. I am called to pray, to be silent and know He is God!! But the thing is, He's asking me to pray!

My Constant Companion is directing me to lift up my voice to Him in praise and petition in this particular guy situation. Knowing this moves me, flows me back into the Heart of my Creator and there is something charmingly graceful about how He handles me. Yes, He handles me, because I am a woman, delicate and fierce, and I love how He handles my heart with utmost sweet gentleness which in turn binds me to His Heart, draws me yearningly into His presence to His side. Amen!!

Came back from my first women's retreat ever, and it was fantastically wonderful! I will definitely be attending next year. What I came away learning is that I am a Praising Princess, and of course, these aspects do not come naturally to me, but nonetheless, my Beloved wants this for me; to slip on the royal praise robe He asks to put on me each day. He stands there every morning, holding up this glorious colourfully shimmering layered robe, ready to slip it on over my shoulders and belt the gorgeous fabric around me. Holy Spirit, remind me to stop and let my Beloved robe me in. Amen. 

I am full of themes today. Another thought that popped into my overactive mind in the last 10 minutes has been the value of me. I am reminded of Matthew 13:45, 46:

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.

This verse has obvious applications, but right now I am looking at the unobvious narrative, because this is my narrative. Beloved, You search after me, the pearl of great price, which You did sell everything to purchase me. The question You pose to me is, am I willing to be found? Am I will to be searched for? I realize in the past, I would throw my idea of what my value was at anyone, when in essence it devalued me.

So, as I adhere to silence in the matter of the other, I pause and reflect on this new thought, the importance of being found. Amen. 

A theme that was just revealed to me through Zephaniah 3:14-16, and Ezekial 36:25, 29, 31, is that You, Beloved clean me even before I knew I was clean. But being clean is only by realizing I am clean and that of course comes by sitting in Your presence everyday and hearing You call me clean. I am weak, and I am human and so I know I will forget. I have been promised that I am clean, but realizing that promise, enduring in that promise (Hebrews 10:36), only comes from dwelling in the promise and the promise is Your Word, and Your Word is You. Amen.

This morning I wanted to know Your thoughts towards me, so I read Zephaniah 3:17, You said to me:

I rejoice over you with gladness, I quiet you with My love, and I rejoice over you with singing.

So, I looked at the word rejoice and I also looked at the word gladness. Here's the quirky part, the word rejoice and gladness mean the same thing...well, basically. Rejoice means: to show delight. Gladness means: delighted. So, Jesus, because You delight in me, You show Your delight towards me in double portion. That delight is Your calming love towards me, and to emphasize that delight, I have the absolute pleasure of listening to You sing to me of that quiet love. The thing is, as I sit at Your feet, I can hear the song and I can see Your expression and it is so astonishingly beautiful!! This part of Zephaniah 3 is becoming a favorite, and I know I will be reflecting on this part of the love letter throughout the day. Amen.

No one knows the outlining steps that take place when learning to be patient. No one realizes the grinding of teeth, no one realizes that jumpy feeling of wanting to drop everything and just do the deed, no one sees the mental cycles that take place in the upper room, no one sees the jitters that jingle on the very nerve ends of the body and mind. But out of patience can come great reward, and no, I don't mean the destination or the goal. Out of patience, when in tuned to the Spirit, comes a deep profound sense of peace and complete reliance on Jesus.

I just realized I am a relationship junkie...no wonder I feel jittery when I can't talk to someone right away.  

Today was something of an accomplishment - I let go.

I let go of wanting to speak to this particular guy, a fellow I rather like. I let go, and I let You be there instead. It definitely was not easy. I very much yearned (yes, yearned), to do some form of action that connected me to this guy, but I didn't. I prayed, I whined, and inch by inch, I let go.

As I let go, I am sinking into You, Beloved. You are taking me back to the beginnings of our relationship. You are leading, but to where, I don't know. You're teaching me to release, and wait.       Amen. 

You call me to abide in You, the Great Abider, a Respite from the storms of life, a Cleft in the rock, a Wing Span to walk beneath.

No other will suffice, and no other will be to me the Air that I breath, or the spark of life that propels me forward. I am Your Beauty in motion, a Beauty You call to, a Beauty You call into Your abiding presence. Each day You stand with me, even during the days I ignore Your presence.

Jesus, my Beloved, your patience, is Precious to me, and I ask forgiveness for when I cast it aside. You are faithful when I am faithless. Amen.

There's a dance we all dance when getting into the relationship tango (*cough* tangle); and I can definitely say this is one part of the dance number that I do not like.

It's the whole - am-I-bugging-him-by-talking-to-him-all-the-time-but-I-really-like-him-but-really-does-he-like-me? I guess if he wasn't interested he wouldn't reply. But than again, because he doesn't ask any questions I wonder if he's interested. But he's a guy, so he's thinking that I'm doing just fine with me asking questions and me filling in my own answers for questions that could have been answered. Oy vay!!! See what I mean????

As a woman, I think along the lines of relationship, the depth and breadth of it, and personally it drives me absolutely insane!!

But I have to come up for air sometime right? I have to inhale, exhale and let go, and swim away into the vast life ocean.

I'm trying to swim, not drown. 

The book of Hosea is very precious to me. Every time I come to the book, I am reminded of my state of being in front of my God; it is a signpost of my condition. Each time I read those words I am reminded. These particular words struck me this morning as I read:

5 For she said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my woo and my linen, my oil and my drink. 6 Therefore, behold, I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. 7 She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them; Yes, she will seek them, but not overtake them; yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say, I will go and return to my first husband, for then it was better for me than now. 8 For she did not know that I gave her grain, new wine and oil, and multiplied her silver and gold which they prepared for Baal. 9 Therefore I will return and take away My grain in its time and My new wine in its season, and will take back My wool and My linen, given to cover her nakedness.

 Even though I go after my "lovers," You Jesus do not immediately leave me; You hem me in to discourage me from looking else where. For everyone that "hemming" in is different, but for myself that lack of quality time with You (my particular love language), definitely effects my day, affects what I take in internally from the world around me. I feel like for the last 3 weeks I have been feeding myself mental and physical garbage.

Amen.