Is this rash? Is this too soon? I believe she speaks wisdom but I know I want to go ahead with my spontaneous action regardless. Out of respect I refrain. Amen. 

I haven't written much about children because I haven't given it much thought, and in all honesty, I equate having children with having a husband. Why think about something in the future when I am not even there. But tonight, I reflect deeply on my unseen children. I want to have fun with my kids. I want to embark on weird, wacky and "worthless" missions not only for nostalgic adulthood material, but to realize life is about the journey and not the destination. I want to sky gaze with them - watch passing clouds, see falling stars, get eyefuls of constellations. I want to structure them as my Beloved has structured me. But what I want most is a man who wants to join in on these adventures, spin his own versions of wonderful wackiness, and worth into these children. So, now you know when I think of my husband, I instantly think of my children - the literal bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. Amen. 

Had another poignant moment with a friend this morning. She always drops gems of wisdom that after sometime of holding onto, dissipates in my blood stream and changes the course of my personal narrative. In the course of each male friendship/relationship, I've had something of an imagination as to how things would turn out. Simply put, I had expectations. I was always wanting to get ahead to the next stop in the journey rather than focus on the foot steps of the moment. Unfortunately, I stumbled a lot and I never made it to the next part of the journey. I had expectations, and they were never fulfilled, because truthfully, they were fiction. I struggled with spinning a narrative with the guy I was involved with or was getting to know. Simply put, I was selfish, afraid, self-protective. I was also clueless. I am at times, still clueless, but I am definitely taking more cues from my Beloved. I am no longer rushing into each and every guy situation. I am loving where my 30s are taking me as an individually minded woman. Of course, I still hope. That's to be expected, but I now walk in this moment. In a sense, I've lost the vision of tomorrow.  Amen. 

I know I write a lot about men. I apologize. I apologize not only to those who read this but I apologize to myself. I suppose I am writing about a mystery, and I am trying to understand the mystery without having any real exposure to it - hence it is a mystery. I suppose if I was dating or even married, I'd be writing from an entirely different angle. When children enter the picture, I'd be writing about them too. I suppose I don't really have to apologize. My heavenly Daddy is a He, so really I am always going to write about men!

In rare moments, I will look into the mirror and a child stares back. I know that "man-child" has been coined for men, but I have yet to hear it for women, but whatever the case, there are times I feel, I know, that I am a woman-child. My body is old but my spirit young, and as I look into that mirror I see the beauty and terror of life walk the circumference of my view. I feel like a child, and I see the world as one massive play school pen, where aged children play and fight. And than the thought scales my mind - children having children. It boggles my membrane, it truly does. Additionally, has anyone ever bestowed the title of "wise" upon a child? We are delightfully carefree, or either ridiculously selfish, and I don't even know if those two trains of thought are even accurate. And again, a child marrying a child, my poor baffled brain! These two children are a scaled down version of the playpen world around them - will they play or will they fight? Perhaps a bit of both? As I contemplate all of this I am brought back to my Parentage. I accepted the Paternal right of my heavenly Daddy, and I know He is bringing me up well. So, it would make complete sense that my Father would put me with someone who has also accepted Divine Paternal right of our Father. I want to play more so than fight with my life long friend. Amen.  

" I can't imagine myself with him" has been one particular energetic thought running through the corridor's of my mind today. I've imagined myself with every guy I've been involved with, imagined marriage, imagined the possibility, and that imagination never produced results. And now, I say this more so, because I can't imagine myself with him - I can't see the future. I've stopped imagining and have begun living in the moment. I have today, but tomorrow is in my Beloved's hands. What I want is irrelevant to tomorrow, but what I need is here in today. I can't  imagine myself with him, because whatever is in tomorrow is beyond imagination, tomorrow is in the palm of His hand. I am reminded of these words: Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain (Psalms 127:1). I imagine in vain! He is building up whatever needs to be built, and I rest easy in the fact He is building this relationship, not I! Amen. 

As I contemplate this guy situation, I am repeatedly reminded of the parallel to my relationship with Jesus. Every time I reflect on how the situation is spinning out into my life, I am reminded of His thoughts towards me. In the near future I will be visiting a particular individual, and I do admit that I contemplate where will we go once we've met. I know I can go the distance (physically and metaphysically), but I am logical about this possible commitment. I am aware of the financial state of this individual since he is a student. The question that arises in my mind is, I can make the distance, but does he want me to make it? But than He pops into my mind and says, "I'm here despite the distance, just turn around and see Me."

The Lover of my soul always has words for me concerning this situation, the operative being always. He not only speaks to me about this matter, but He also always moves in mysterious ways. Just the other day, I had to put a question to this individual, but I didn't know how to word it, and instead this individual asked me the question. Talk about moving mysteriously in a tremendous way! Every moment with this individual is God-led, God-designed, and God-inspired. I am reminded repeatedly that I am here to enjoy the journey, and at times I don't even think of the designation. I am reminded of the strength of my Beloved Jesus and His bountiful grace, mercy and patience towards me, and it is no wonder that I love Him so. I love Him because He first loved me and each day He pours out His love onto me! Amen.