I am now officially apart of the team "we", although I have already been thinking along the lines of "us" for some time now. We weren't officially bf/gf until this morning, right at midnight. Okay, I admit I was already referring to him as my boyfriend, but how else was I to cut down the time of explaining to friends and family why we weren't official yet? Everything is happening at warp speed factor, but speed seems entirely irrelevant in our situation. It's like we're in our own time bubble, and we're having a heyday of trying to explain it to people around us. I'm having a heyday with self-analysis, but ironically enough, so is he. Half the time I am laughing at the pure irony of the situation. I like to laugh, by the way, but so does he! This is all together a hilarious encounter of sorts. Amen. 

What is trust? I am having a very metaphysical moment and contemplating the aspect of trust. I explicitly trust my heavenly Father but it is something that has had to be challenged repeatedly over time. However, what is the importance of trust in any human relationship? Trust between a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, parent and child, friend and friend, etc. Why is it needed? How does it play out in the grand gesture of our lives? Can trust be faked? Why is it that it takes time to build but seconds to break? Is accountability part of trust? When we don't trust what happens to ourselves? Is something lost when we refuse to trust? Is trust a part of faith? Is it similar or even identical? Is trust a one way street? What does trust do to our humanity, to our individuality? Does God trust us? I know for sure many have difficulty trusting God.

Although I am rather lost about this idea of trust, and a bit confused, one thing I know for sure about trust broken - it is a painful experience. Anyways, away I go with my contemplation of trust.   

You profoundly move me - move my thoughts along in directions I only dreamed of and never thought possible - move me onto a plane of existence I never thought existed. I am humbly amazed that we dream the same dreams and reach for the same goals. My thoughts and ears are blessed as we shift from the language of You&I to the language of Us. I love how we laugh so much, smile so much, and wrap ourselves up in our silliness, but instantaneously break out into meta-talk to discuss the continuing development of our relationship. But most of all, I am drawn in each day by this miracle of you and i. So this is what the Trinity experiences every minute? No wonder they created us :)

Ours is a life that is a prayer in motion. Aspects I've prayed for, actions that I have reflected on are just coming about without even a word to my heavenly Father. But than I realized, we are praying aloud in every action and word that spans between he and I. Relational revelations  are coming about as I share and speak with him, revelations of what a healthy, normal, vibrant relationship should look like. We're both meta-talkers and meta-thinkers so that helps us exponentially.

A thought that we shared this morning: the accumulation of our thoughts will translate into actions when we see each other. That thought really took a hold of some neurones. I am the result of accumulated thoughts both on the physical and metaphysical level - thoughts of my parents and thoughts of my heavenly Father. I also realize that our situation is the accumulation of His thoughts towards us. Of course, I can't help but refer to Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the thoughts I have towards you...thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me will all your heart. I will be found by you...and I will bring you back from your captivity.

Our seeking after Him has resulted in His accumulated thoughts breaking forth in actions towards us. I continue to seek Him with all of my heart, because I want, we want a sure foundation as to this particular path we traverse. What a fascinating thought! Amen. 

It amazes me with what ease we fit into the grooves of each other's mind, and walk paralleling lines of thought. There is no comparison to him in all those around me. I am blessed daily with opening my eyes and mind to his presence, his laughter, his reflective thought and his spiritual connection. I am assured daily of my trust in him as he strives to protectively treasure my worth, my thoughts, my laughter, and my sharing of self with him. It's been a short time, but what is time, when the bones of my being have known him forever? I leave he and I in our Father's care. Amen. 

Words and ideas that fascinate me: space, bones, silence, words, narrative, identity and femininity. I seem to repeatedly come back to these themes in my life, in particular over the last two years. Yes, I am keeping a meta cognitive tab on myself, yes, hilarious. Amen. 

Inspiration hits at the most random moments and in the most random places. For me it's either washing dishes, sitting in a bath, or filing folders in a vault. Yes, random. Many things hit me during those times - blog posting ideas, poems, a conversation starter or finisher with my Father. 

One thought hit me tonight, as I sit on my bed (I know, a new random place) - emotional highs. These intrigue me. Emotional highs are from my younger years (*snort* and yes I am not that old, really, truly), from the times I would have ups and downs in the spiritual or relational areas. In my organic journals, I would find a plethora of periods of great frustration of having come down from an emotional high. Don't get me wrong, emotions are good, but I now realize the value of moderation, or accepting emotional highs in of themselves and appreciating them for the moment they represent and move on. I remember a period in my life when I was involved in so many predating scenes ("many" in my mind), that I was emotionally absent. I could easily say adieu, pack up and go. When I realized the absent emotional state of myself, it was time to take a break. 

That was when I took on the mantle of singleness. I knew I didn't know Jesus that well. I remember in my 29th year swearing off men and diving into the relational space of my Trinity. He broke me but healed me in turn, struck me down but bound me up. In the space of this "almost" two years, I've been mentally, spiritually, physically, and socially prodded and poked, broken and bent, hard-pressed and harried, kneaded and knotted, twisted, twirled, tied up and taken down, but returned faithfully to His presence to be put back together by His hands. I have in my own relational space with myself too much of His peace to doubt what He can do in me and for me. I have heard His voice countlessly to know He is Here. I know exactly what He thinks of me. 

I am beginning to tread a new path, a new narrative with another voice that is similar in stance but definitely not my own. I am curious to hear his back story, but also curious to see where our dialogue will go. And of course, I am most curious of how the Narrator will write this particular tale of ours. Amen.