I want it to be different this time around. I don't want any hoopla. I don't want any immaturity. I want lots of laughter and honesty. I want a little flirting. I want lots of face time. I want us to be us to each other's hearts. I want a best friend. I want to be excited with him on whatever quest we partake in. I want to pray with him. I want to see the little boy in him. I want him to see the little girl in me. I want to share Jesus with him in my own way and I want him to share Jesus with me in his own way. I want to be wooed. I want to love him as I have been loved by my Beloved. I want to know his every flaw and yet still love and respect him. Jesus, unless you build this relationship, we build in vain and unless You guard this relationship, we continue on in vain (Psalms 127:1). Amen. 

I call it the new adventure, and I am praying that though it be new, it will be an adventure of a life time, an adventure I will take part of each day. I'm not thinking ahead to months and years, not even to weeks, but to the here and now. I've lived too much in the "down the road" moments, and not enough of the "here and now" clips of time. As I am beginning to learn, having no expectations is always a good thing. Expectations are tied up in the tomorrows, but no expectations is all about living in the present minute. I was looking for a good time, and instead I found a treasure-trove of possibilities. It's always intriguing how my Beloved moves - in most mysterious ways. Amen. 

Is this rash? Is this too soon? I believe she speaks wisdom but I know I want to go ahead with my spontaneous action regardless. Out of respect I refrain. Amen. 

I haven't written much about children because I haven't given it much thought, and in all honesty, I equate having children with having a husband. Why think about something in the future when I am not even there. But tonight, I reflect deeply on my unseen children. I want to have fun with my kids. I want to embark on weird, wacky and "worthless" missions not only for nostalgic adulthood material, but to realize life is about the journey and not the destination. I want to sky gaze with them - watch passing clouds, see falling stars, get eyefuls of constellations. I want to structure them as my Beloved has structured me. But what I want most is a man who wants to join in on these adventures, spin his own versions of wonderful wackiness, and worth into these children. So, now you know when I think of my husband, I instantly think of my children - the literal bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. Amen. 

Had another poignant moment with a friend this morning. She always drops gems of wisdom that after sometime of holding onto, dissipates in my blood stream and changes the course of my personal narrative. In the course of each male friendship/relationship, I've had something of an imagination as to how things would turn out. Simply put, I had expectations. I was always wanting to get ahead to the next stop in the journey rather than focus on the foot steps of the moment. Unfortunately, I stumbled a lot and I never made it to the next part of the journey. I had expectations, and they were never fulfilled, because truthfully, they were fiction. I struggled with spinning a narrative with the guy I was involved with or was getting to know. Simply put, I was selfish, afraid, self-protective. I was also clueless. I am at times, still clueless, but I am definitely taking more cues from my Beloved. I am no longer rushing into each and every guy situation. I am loving where my 30s are taking me as an individually minded woman. Of course, I still hope. That's to be expected, but I now walk in this moment. In a sense, I've lost the vision of tomorrow.  Amen. 

I know I write a lot about men. I apologize. I apologize not only to those who read this but I apologize to myself. I suppose I am writing about a mystery, and I am trying to understand the mystery without having any real exposure to it - hence it is a mystery. I suppose if I was dating or even married, I'd be writing from an entirely different angle. When children enter the picture, I'd be writing about them too. I suppose I don't really have to apologize. My heavenly Daddy is a He, so really I am always going to write about men!

In rare moments, I will look into the mirror and a child stares back. I know that "man-child" has been coined for men, but I have yet to hear it for women, but whatever the case, there are times I feel, I know, that I am a woman-child. My body is old but my spirit young, and as I look into that mirror I see the beauty and terror of life walk the circumference of my view. I feel like a child, and I see the world as one massive play school pen, where aged children play and fight. And than the thought scales my mind - children having children. It boggles my membrane, it truly does. Additionally, has anyone ever bestowed the title of "wise" upon a child? We are delightfully carefree, or either ridiculously selfish, and I don't even know if those two trains of thought are even accurate. And again, a child marrying a child, my poor baffled brain! These two children are a scaled down version of the playpen world around them - will they play or will they fight? Perhaps a bit of both? As I contemplate all of this I am brought back to my Parentage. I accepted the Paternal right of my heavenly Daddy, and I know He is bringing me up well. So, it would make complete sense that my Father would put me with someone who has also accepted Divine Paternal right of our Father. I want to play more so than fight with my life long friend. Amen.